I know what's right but doing it hurts

A friend reminded me casually not to contact him unless it is for work else it will cause his wife to go crazy again...
I tried to explain that I didn't initiate any contact with him, it was him but I share the blame for I replied to his messages... I tried not to, only replying after multiple messages received. I know I am being cruel to his wife, I'm sorry but I trying already. I know its not enough but I promise I'll try harder

He texted my staff yest, asking about benefits for a married vs a divorcee. My staff asked me what was going on, I didn't know what to reply... What are you trying to prove?

This morning, I had a surge of courage and asked him to leave, not to wait for me and he left.. It hurt so much... I hated myself for doing it, never felt more alone but it was the right thing to do. Didn't have lunch together... and know that the day will end with me going back home alone... Yes, yes, yes I know this is the right thing to do, I should hang in there. I will but I just can't stop the hurt

Today I realized that:

• I don't know you anymore (perhaps I didn't know you from the start)
• I don't know what we can talk about (I want to share everything with you but yet feel so silly for sharing my insignificant stuff with you)
• I want to hear you talk (but not just about work but I sense your hold back)
• I want to hug you so tight (I miss hugging you but I don't cause I know it's wrong)
• I miss holding hands with you (your big warm hands but I don't cause it's wrong)
• I wonder if you feel the same as I do (I guess not, for your wife is avail. I don't mean to sound bitter but I'm just hurting right now)

What I want to say to you:
Pls stop your games and manipulation
As per my texts to you last night, please go back to your wife and remember the promises you've given to her (I've said this)
I am begging you to let me go
I am not strong enough to reject and turn away from you
I need you to go back to her and let me 'bleed' and hurt
I can't bear to let you go... but I know you will never choose me despite your promises
I'm so sick of my repetitive words of asking you to leave me again and again
I have been trying to make excuses for you, that you are confused hence your behavior
She has been there for you, a good wife, wonderful mother and so many years of good marriage( I've said this)
If I put myself into your shoes - I will definitely choose her, I swear
I may hate you for your decision in the end, but I really cut off this tumor now
I tried to be the surgeon but I need a co-surgeon in this, I cannot do it alone
I really have very strong feelings for you (I would like to think love - I didn't share this with you as I didn't want you to feel pressured by this. If you want to be with me, I wanted it to be because you feel the same way too)
I'm tired of crying inside... this is killing me and I'm sure this is not doing you any good either
Pls just let this end already...

(Today maybe the end... he seems pretty adamant not to text me. I'm so confused - on one hand, I wanna end this, on the other, I can't bear to cos it's so painful)