I can't find that now so i gotta start a brand new one... this time over C. I never expected to be a TOW... I guess there is no one who goes around hoping and wanting to be in such a situation. One thing for sure - I know it is painful now but I will definitely get better IN TIME....
It's been 19 days since the confrontation... 19 draggy long days...
He emailed and texted me again yest but I didn't reply.
Emailed me this morning and I replied him asking him to stop the text. I know what he will do next – he will not reply my message and will disappear for awhile (after-note: I guessed wrongly – his reply was “not guilt”. Well, thanks for taking pity on me then…)
Although my reply hurts so much now but I know it’ll get easier as time passes.
I must remind myself that “This too shall pass”.
Look back at A – for what I thought will kill me, barely hurt today.
Wrote a lengthy note and think I will send this off to him today.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi
I wanted to say thanks to you today.
Despite what was said, I realize that you’ve done a lot for me this past year and I thank you for:
- Giving me support on work– supporting me wrt M1 & M2, making changes
- The gifts you have given me – sweets, extension cord, chix essence, batteries, instant noodles, green tea, soft drinks, essential oil, burner, painting, framed picture, watch, hp battery, SK II, sistic tixs, TV, usb fan, gifts for L (lego friends, dictionary, books), tidbits etc… (wah! Really a lot in a mere year)
- Making effort to plan for after work activities (I know you keep thinking you are boring, you are not the only one)
- Accompanying & supporting me before and after the surgical procedures
- Your numerous drawings, notes and origami
- Putting up with my numerous mood swings and tantrums
- Taking time to ask about my day, how I was feeling, if I had my meals, if I had good rest
- Showing me affection by holding my hands and hugging me
- Always waiting for me at my void deck on workday mornings
- Lunches – Raffles Marina, Farm-mart, nearby coffee shops, iced coffees
- Your numerous text messages and emails – despite how busy you were, where you were
- Allowing me to laugh AT you – for being blur at locating your car, venue, tickling you, when you are tipsy, you being clumsy, your nostril hair
- Sharing with me about your insecurity, life, family, work challenges, parents
- Your faith and trust that I think you placed in me
- Allowing me to be there for you when you lost your dad
- Making subtle appearance changes cause I said you look better (cut hair more often, wearing your tinted glasses)
- Trying hard to share your feelings/thoughts, which usually ended with a “you know what I mean?”
- for bothering to lie to me
- Many memorable experiences
- Museum – I don’t rem the last time I went to one (primary school?)
- Beach – sunsets and sunrise
- Sentosa – Sentosa cove, trying to find our way to the crabby place
- Mt Faber – cable car ride, watching the sky, enjoying the quiet on the bench, overlooking sentosa, at the cruise ships
- Raffles Marina – looking at the sunset, the wind in our hair, taking many pictures
- Arena – the nice and not forgetting the not too nice singing at Forte, toilet, carpark
- Dinners & drinks – Pasir Ris, Sembawang, Arena, Forte, Woodlands, Farm mart, Raffles Marina, Clark Quay, Tambuah Mas, Orchard Parade Hotel, Crabs, our chasers for shabu shabu, Chong Qing, MOF, pratas, Ayam Penyat, Nasi Lemak, Chwee Kueh, JB… the list goes on and on
- Movies – I think that was our favourite 2nd past time other than pigging out
- Concert – The Piano Guys
- The massages in Malaysia & Changi
- Sungei Buloh – beating the mosquitoes, trying to catch a view of the ‘flying’ fishes, watching the birds, plants, squirrel …
- Motel, hotel
- Our chats in the car
- Sending me to work, home, training, my outings
- Trying so many different kinds of food and for drinking beer with me, although you obviously would rather not
- Bringing L to night safari
What’s my intent of writing this? I don’t have the answer… I guess I want to remember all that we’ve done for the last time - in hopes to close the chapter and move on… Will this mean that I will not hurt anymore? I really hope so, I’ve come to the realization that there was never a “you and I”; only a “you and your wife” and I’m sure the two of you have even more to reminisce over. It’s pointless to dwell and whine – it was a mistake to think that I could handle an affair and allowed this to happen… I later blamed you for it, which I recognize now is not fair. For that, I apologize. I also apologize for the angry, bitter words that I’ve said, the selfish behavior I’ve displayed, the insensitive remarks I’ve made.
Sorry for this lengthy note – You know how I am with writing… I can go on and on and on… =P I guess you know now that I have a need to write this out else I’ll explode...
You don’t have to reply this email… writing brings me comfort and I’m sorry you have to read such a lengthy post… I assure you no more will come..... I’ve found another avenue :)
I sincerely hope you and your
family enjoy the holidays…
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Do I hope to get a reply from him? I'll be lying if I said no. If there was one from him, I am confident that it will be a less than 15 words message...
Am I worried that he will think that I'm needy and desperate? Errr... duh? Of course - but F it... she already said he was desperate when he started with me... so what else is new? (being my bitter self again).. What to do? I'm not the controlled, prim & proper lady that she is - I'm just a outta control & crazy bitch (alright - I'll stop this self bashing immediately!) I just have the urge to send it and that's it. I don't wanna think of any consequences and what-ifs. It doesn't matter cause all I want him to know is that I appreciated his time with me FULL-STOP. I know we will never ever be together again, neither do I want to - for the lies that he had told to save his hide. There is just this compelling need for me to do this...
It's the end of the week... was productive in work yesterday but back to NMTW again today. It's okay - next week will definitely be better! Next week is the new year! I may have my ups and downs - who doesn't but I know the new year will be a better one! For starters - at least I'm no longer doing something immoral :)
