Everything's changed

It just hit me this morning, that everything's changed...

 

There are

• No more sweet messages
• No more presents/drawings
• No more sweet nothings abt love and who I’m with/doing
• Lies about leaving office early (mum, unwell, meeting) or late (calls)
• I felt turned off when he tried to be funny in the staircase yesterday. This morning, I refused to go to the carpark with him as I knew where/what it would have ended in.

I don’t want to force him

• To spend time with me
• To give me gifts (I’m not talking abt valuable things)
• To say meaningless sweet nothings to me
• To text me as we were doing in the past
• To tell me about what he is doing during weekends/holidays

I can tell that he is trying or struggling with spending time at home/me

He is barely spending any additional time with me and I’m suffering from the lack of attention

Should I be glad that he’s bothering to come up with lies to put me down gently?

I need to wake up and reconcile that he had made his choice and his choice doesn't include me

 

I must remind myself to “Sit and let God put my enemies at my feet”

My enemies are not me or her or even him but it is my addiction to him

My unhappiness, my guilt, self-blame and all the negative stuff

I know I can break free of the insecurity, unhappiness and addiction

I know I can move on.. I will move on…

Tired

Feeling super confused this week… all triggered mainly because it was my bday and so far, he has not attempted to do anything or given me anything
I have so many thoughts in my mind, so many question marks in my head..

Why I am frustrated with the situation

·         Not enough time with him
·         That I am just an 9-5 Mon to Fri companion
·         His constant lies
·         His constant refusal to do anything about the situation
·         I hate my part in this entire story – where is my integrity, morals?

What I will achieve by being suspicious & my constant harping about the same things

·         Push him further away
·         It’s obvious that he’s losing interest – it will just escalate this

What exactly do I want?

·         Do I love him? Or do I just want his physical self?
·         I need to recognize that he is not a possession
·         If I really love him, I will accept the situation and be there for him when he needs me
·         Like a fellow blogger, I need to let him recognize and come to terms on what he needs to do for himself. Can I ever be as selfless as her? Will I ever be capable of putting his wants/needs above mine?

When can I stop blaming him? Putting my expectations on him? And hoping that he will do more for me?

Even if he is playing with me, it is a fact that the 3 of us are suffering in this affair
Does it matter whether I know what he is trying to do? How will it help me if I try to psychoanalyze the situation?
I may think that this is what he is thinking/why he is doing this but would it make me feel better when it is only a figment of my analysis?

I wonder if I really want to know what he is thinking?  I wonder what I will do if I knew the truth?

Would I be able to end things when I confirm that things are not as bad as he claims?
Can I not feel anger and hurt when I confirm that he is doing more for her and nothing for me?
Will I be able to forgive him and walk away?
Will I not cause a scene and come up with ways to try to keep him with me?
Can I handle the truth? Does the truth really matter? Do I want to know just because I want to be right in my assessment?
Hasn’t his actions already shown me what his mouth didn’t say?
Why can’t I accept the fact that he’s already moved on – away from me and back to her & his family?
Why do I have to be such a sore loser about the whole situation?

I’m so f@cking tired of everything… I do not want to fight anymore

I give up.. I surrender.. I don't want to think anymore
My goal for this long weekend – I will disconnect from the internet and hibernate...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

She changed her WA profile pic yesterday
I suspect she saw my new profile pic and decided to show me their couple pic
I know they are lovey dovey and I don’t blame her for wanting to show me how happy they are (it is a reminder to myself that he's lying to me still)
I have decided there wasn’t a need for me to hide my face…
She already knew about my existence… it would be so easy for her to just wait for me outside ofc
The WA belongs to me, what belongs to her – was never mine in the first place – there is no need for me to hide anymore
The same applies to A, she is his daughter – he has every right to see how she looks like

Despite what he says to me verbally, calling me dear, his claim of missing me and appearing to care about my well-being

I know that his heart is with her and his family
Why did I tell him that I missed him?
Why am I doing this? I have cut it off already, why am I turning back again?

God, I put myself in your hands and seek refuge from you
I am exhausted…. pls help me...

My baby step for today - no staring at my hp.. small bb steps... before I try to leap

Feeling frustrated

He was ignoring me yesterday, only sent me 4 msg despite being repeatedly online
He didn’t send me to work today… lied that he woke up late despite him being online since 6.20am
Should I ‘ambush’ him later in the office? He said he will pick up stuff from office for tml’s trip..
It’s obvious that he is avoiding me but why so?
You approached me last Friday.. you came to pick us up but lied about your subsequent trip to meet a customer
You recorded a bday song and sent it to me, and called me dear
I think you were not happy that I didn’t share with you on my whereabouts over the weekend
Neither am I happy that you pulled me back and is pushing me away again
It just frustrates me so much

***********************

Spoke to him earlier and asked him directly if he was being off again.. he was telling me about his work challenges and stress
My heart went to him when I heard about his frustrations
He then shared about his constant headache, his sister’s admission to hospital, his visit to the lawyer blar blar
He said he needed to go through another counseling (mandate) which he said he will forgo if it wasn’t mandate
His ‘story’ about her causing a scene at the lawyer firm where she wanted to know her rights
How he felt embarrassed by her scene and how he came to know that she went for another counseling session w/o him
Then he changed the topic to his sister… l guess there is only so much that you can lie about the appointment right?
Although my heart went to him, I also realized that he is really a coward with no courage to call a spade a spade
If you want to stop talking to me on a personal level, just say it..
He left early again – on the pretext that he wasn’t well and needed to see a doctor
What a coincidence, the both of them has been offline for nearly 2 hours
It cannot get any more obvious… he was lying to me again

I thank God that you will be away tomorrow…

It’ll be easier that he is away and I can put my focus elsewhere instead

Tough road ahead but I know I can do it

I initiated a ride from him last evening (I know I shouldn't have)
After the ride – I realized that he has accepted that it is over
A part of me hoped that he would ask me to continue our r/s
While the other part thanked him for his acceptance

I was reading through my journal yesterday and realized that we had so much drama

Correction – I was full of drama
With the appearance of the Rs, accidental text, stalking, wanting out, emailing him and all
All of this was done just to keep him by my side, it was so low handed of me
I also connected some dots on our affair
·         His wife mentioned that she suspected my existence back in Nov through a WA text on the PC. Coincidentally that was also when he first told me he didn’t know what to do and wanted to stay in for his kids (that means he actually broke up with me 3x times)
·         He got really angry with the accidental text and I realize now that was because it threatened his peace and what he was withholding from the both of us
·         He is just like me – a selfish person who will do anything to retain another’s affection/attention
·         He has fed me so many lies and I wanted to believe him because I wasn’t ready to let go too. I know he lied about
1) his lawyer’s appointment today on the separation – my gut & intuition tells me that it’s for the biz that he’s doing
2) how he doesn’t love or care about her – his actions doesn’t match his words

I  decided to stop this analyzing and trying to figure out what were lies, half truth or truth

It doesn’t matter anymore at this stage
I know it’ll be easier for me to beg for his return which I know will be futile too
I know the path that I am taking now, is right

I must remind myself that :

• He will always have a special place in my heart
• I can finally hold my head up high for I have done what is right
• There will be ups & downs in the coming days but I know that I can do it
• My self-worth is not determined by how much others want/do not want me – I know I am worthy

I know that today will be a great day and a wonderful weekend ahead!

I must remind myself why I am doing this

He told me he will not harass me
He told me that he & his wife are done

I cannot sway from my decision,
I will not ask him for lunch
I will not ask him for rides
I will not ask him back despite how down I feel

I must remind myself on why I want out

I am tired of being unhappy
I must do the right thing for everyone
I chose the wrong path from the start
It was a dead end from the beginning
I must turn back since I’ve reached the dead end
I cannot continue to stare at the dead end and hope that road will grow miraculously
I need to turn back so that I can take another path

I recognize there is no way I could have avoided the pain of this

Even if I rejected him from the start, it would have hurt

This too shall pass

I finally did it

I told him I wanted out and he jumped to the conclusion that it was because I wanted to be with someone else
It’s so hard being in the office, not going to him and telling him that I want to take back my words
It’s so lonely but I absolutely cannot continue to take the easy way out

Reminder to self on why I want or need to be out:

·         I can’t stand the longing anymore
·         I hate the lies and second guessing what he’s thinking/saying
·         I know he is lying to me regardless of what he says
·         I know he will never be ‘with’ me
·         I cannot ask him to leave his family for me, it will be selfish of me although I want him to myself 100%
·         I am tired of keeping words to myself, there are so many words that I want to tell him but I am scared that I will push him away with my words
·         I am not myself when I am with him
·         I am tired of worshipping him
·         I am sick of stalking them on FB/WA
·         I hate undermining my own self-worth for someone who doesn’t value me
·         I hate that this has become a competition
·         I hate it that I’ve become so needy and unsure of myself
·         I hate my lies and not knowing who to confide in with my frds
·         I hate the lack of understanding from anyone

I want to be happy, carefree and focus on myself/my gal again

I’ve put him as my number 1 for the past 15 months and it has brought me nothing but pain
To be fair – it wasn’t nothing, I have been very happy with him
The insecurity and pain started to increase after D-day
I want to stop my mood swings, suspicious nature, angry thoughts

It has reached the state where I care more for him, than he for me

I hate the constant struggle within me…
I want him with me, but I know he deserves to be home with them
I want to hear the truth yet I’m afraid
I want to tell him what I really think but I withhold cos I am afraid

I am so tired and I give up (my heart hurts so much & I’m trying so hard to hold my tears inside)

Lies..lies and more lies

Guess who will be leaving office earlier today?
He appears to keep doing this so frequently… weekly to be exact
Since when do we need a senior person of the coy to settle vendor stuff?
Seriously, relax – its obvious that you have arranged for something after work today
Afterall, I told you that I had something else on…
Don’t worry – my girl is not well today, I will be going straight home
You can enjoy your time together…
Just don’t tell me that you get ‘tired’ when you think about her
Spare me the lies
 

I don't know what to do anymore

I asked him this morning – about his lawyer appointment
He told me should be Friday and he said that it was to ask details, custody etc
Seriously? If it was so and if you wanted to be with me – I am sure you would have told me without my prob right?

I saw his wedding ring mark again this morning

Couldn’t control myself and told him that he didn’t have to remove it anymore
He gave me the same excuse that he wear it to his mum house cause she didn’t know? (erm.. did you forget that you told me you moved back home previously? Why would she not know then?)
I’m so sick of doubting him, doubting myself, asking myself what I am doing

She’s so smart by giving him the space so that she doesn’t ‘push’ him away and get to keep him with the family

She is right and afterall she deserves to be with him and the family
I just cant do it.. I’ll be left with nothing when he cuts me off
I cannot continue doing this anymore.. I’ve become so paranoid and insecure

I know I shouldn’t and cannot feel jealous and upset over their time together

I know I am just the intruder and have no right to feel this way
I really am feeling very down

I know I said I wanted to enjoy the rest of my time with him

But it’s so hard to live with such dishonesty and lies

The end is coming... very soon...

Last week, ended with me asking him not to text me over the weekend
He continued to do what he wanted and I barely replied

Again I couldn’t control myself on Fri and asked when he was free the following week and he gave me a date (I know how pathetic it made me look)
He texted me out of the blue on Sat nite and told me he needed to take a day off this week to go lawyer
Let’s wait and see… deep down, I know that it will definitely be on Thu – the day that he ‘gave’ me despite him saying Wed/Fri
Seriously – you fix an appointment to see lawyer without knowing which day?
It’s hurting that he would pull such stunt on the single day that we are supposed to go out…

We didn’t even have any WA texts today

I know where this is heading – it’ll be the end very soon
What can I do to prepare myself for the final ‘hit’?
No matter what I say to myself to ‘convince’ myself that I should be prepared, I know it’s gonna be difficult
At least… there will be an ending after nearly 1½ years…
I really hope that he remembers me next time, of course in a good way
I don’t think I can ever forget him… I hope that I can forgive him and myself eventually…

Obsessed with his 'her' too

Although there are times that I feel that she's a witch (alright, I try to tell myself that so that I can feel better for my part in this affair) but deep down - I know she is a better person than I am...

• She does not get angry when he is working when their son is sick (I know I would)
• She doesn’t contact me anymore (and on my side, I cannot stop my stalking)
• She doesn’t get jealous and get into hussy fits when he comes to work (If it was me, I know I will ask him to leave the Coy)
• She wants to work on this with him – counseling, TW trip etc (I could have walked out already)

I can understand why he cannot leave her and I respect that for the amazing woman that she is...
I only ask that he hurts us no more - I know it'll hurt me very much initially and frankly I'm not ready but it has to be soon because I hate this 'me'. When I look at the mirror, I do not recognize this obsessive, needy and crazy stalker

Obsession

I need to stop this obsession with him
He told me his son was sick and he left slightly earlier yesterday and for some reason I feel that he is trying to avoid spending time with me
An overview for this week: 
M – Mum unwell
T – Meet Paul at airport
W – Embassy biz dinner
T – son sick
F – son sick

I believe his son is really unwell and there is no reason for him to lie since I’m not free today

I just feel that I have this unhealthy obsession over him and told him that I was feeling needy just now
I’m not sure why.. maybe I am PMSing
I feel that it’s really sick of me, to be jealous over a poor sick boy
You know what? Even if he is lying, then he is one sick and selfish SOB
In a way, its great that it’s the weekend and he doesn’t have to come up with more lies so that we don’t have to spend time in the evening

Mark my words, he will not leave office to go home earlier today – afterall he doesn’t have to lie to me as I've got other appointments

 

My deadline is coming… I need to get used to being independent again..

Counting down – 2 weeks left and I hope I don’t get dumped in the meantime
I want to be the one who ends this (for once)
I need the dignity for myself

Know who is your real enemy

I took a test yesterday and was so glad that it turned out negative
I feel exhausted and want out of this
Yet I am so afraid of what’s to come - the loneliness, pain, sadness
I hate being so weak, at his mercy
I hate it that he tells me such lies.. that he will be happy if it was positive.. that feeling relieved wasn’t on his mind..
I rather you just shut the f up! Don’t freaking pretend to care when you do not

I just saw that he didn’t finish my muffins

I feel kinda insulted by it… if my hard work isn’t appreciated, he could jolly well return them to me

Today, I feel really emotional, feeling sso exhausted and drained by this whole affair

I want out of this – it’s enough
I hate being his option whilst she is his choice
I know she is not my enemy… for I am the one causing her hurt
He is my enemy
My heart is also my greatest enemy, for being so weak