Everything's changed

It just hit me this morning, that everything's changed...

 

There are

• No more sweet messages
• No more presents/drawings
• No more sweet nothings abt love and who I’m with/doing
• Lies about leaving office early (mum, unwell, meeting) or late (calls)
• I felt turned off when he tried to be funny in the staircase yesterday. This morning, I refused to go to the carpark with him as I knew where/what it would have ended in.

I don’t want to force him

• To spend time with me
• To give me gifts (I’m not talking abt valuable things)
• To say meaningless sweet nothings to me
• To text me as we were doing in the past
• To tell me about what he is doing during weekends/holidays

I can tell that he is trying or struggling with spending time at home/me

He is barely spending any additional time with me and I’m suffering from the lack of attention

Should I be glad that he’s bothering to come up with lies to put me down gently?

I need to wake up and reconcile that he had made his choice and his choice doesn't include me

 

I must remind myself to “Sit and let God put my enemies at my feet”

My enemies are not me or her or even him but it is my addiction to him

My unhappiness, my guilt, self-blame and all the negative stuff

I know I can break free of the insecurity, unhappiness and addiction

I know I can move on.. I will move on…

Tired

Feeling super confused this week… all triggered mainly because it was my bday and so far, he has not attempted to do anything or given me anything
I have so many thoughts in my mind, so many question marks in my head..

Why I am frustrated with the situation

·         Not enough time with him
·         That I am just an 9-5 Mon to Fri companion
·         His constant lies
·         His constant refusal to do anything about the situation
·         I hate my part in this entire story – where is my integrity, morals?

What I will achieve by being suspicious & my constant harping about the same things

·         Push him further away
·         It’s obvious that he’s losing interest – it will just escalate this

What exactly do I want?

·         Do I love him? Or do I just want his physical self?
·         I need to recognize that he is not a possession
·         If I really love him, I will accept the situation and be there for him when he needs me
·         Like a fellow blogger, I need to let him recognize and come to terms on what he needs to do for himself. Can I ever be as selfless as her? Will I ever be capable of putting his wants/needs above mine?

When can I stop blaming him? Putting my expectations on him? And hoping that he will do more for me?

Even if he is playing with me, it is a fact that the 3 of us are suffering in this affair
Does it matter whether I know what he is trying to do? How will it help me if I try to psychoanalyze the situation?
I may think that this is what he is thinking/why he is doing this but would it make me feel better when it is only a figment of my analysis?

I wonder if I really want to know what he is thinking?  I wonder what I will do if I knew the truth?

Would I be able to end things when I confirm that things are not as bad as he claims?
Can I not feel anger and hurt when I confirm that he is doing more for her and nothing for me?
Will I be able to forgive him and walk away?
Will I not cause a scene and come up with ways to try to keep him with me?
Can I handle the truth? Does the truth really matter? Do I want to know just because I want to be right in my assessment?
Hasn’t his actions already shown me what his mouth didn’t say?
Why can’t I accept the fact that he’s already moved on – away from me and back to her & his family?
Why do I have to be such a sore loser about the whole situation?

I’m so f@cking tired of everything… I do not want to fight anymore

I give up.. I surrender.. I don't want to think anymore
My goal for this long weekend – I will disconnect from the internet and hibernate...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

She changed her WA profile pic yesterday
I suspect she saw my new profile pic and decided to show me their couple pic
I know they are lovey dovey and I don’t blame her for wanting to show me how happy they are (it is a reminder to myself that he's lying to me still)
I have decided there wasn’t a need for me to hide my face…
She already knew about my existence… it would be so easy for her to just wait for me outside ofc
The WA belongs to me, what belongs to her – was never mine in the first place – there is no need for me to hide anymore
The same applies to A, she is his daughter – he has every right to see how she looks like

Despite what he says to me verbally, calling me dear, his claim of missing me and appearing to care about my well-being

I know that his heart is with her and his family
Why did I tell him that I missed him?
Why am I doing this? I have cut it off already, why am I turning back again?

God, I put myself in your hands and seek refuge from you
I am exhausted…. pls help me...

My baby step for today - no staring at my hp.. small bb steps... before I try to leap

Feeling frustrated

He was ignoring me yesterday, only sent me 4 msg despite being repeatedly online
He didn’t send me to work today… lied that he woke up late despite him being online since 6.20am
Should I ‘ambush’ him later in the office? He said he will pick up stuff from office for tml’s trip..
It’s obvious that he is avoiding me but why so?
You approached me last Friday.. you came to pick us up but lied about your subsequent trip to meet a customer
You recorded a bday song and sent it to me, and called me dear
I think you were not happy that I didn’t share with you on my whereabouts over the weekend
Neither am I happy that you pulled me back and is pushing me away again
It just frustrates me so much

***********************

Spoke to him earlier and asked him directly if he was being off again.. he was telling me about his work challenges and stress
My heart went to him when I heard about his frustrations
He then shared about his constant headache, his sister’s admission to hospital, his visit to the lawyer blar blar
He said he needed to go through another counseling (mandate) which he said he will forgo if it wasn’t mandate
His ‘story’ about her causing a scene at the lawyer firm where she wanted to know her rights
How he felt embarrassed by her scene and how he came to know that she went for another counseling session w/o him
Then he changed the topic to his sister… l guess there is only so much that you can lie about the appointment right?
Although my heart went to him, I also realized that he is really a coward with no courage to call a spade a spade
If you want to stop talking to me on a personal level, just say it..
He left early again – on the pretext that he wasn’t well and needed to see a doctor
What a coincidence, the both of them has been offline for nearly 2 hours
It cannot get any more obvious… he was lying to me again

I thank God that you will be away tomorrow…

It’ll be easier that he is away and I can put my focus elsewhere instead

Tough road ahead but I know I can do it

I initiated a ride from him last evening (I know I shouldn't have)
After the ride – I realized that he has accepted that it is over
A part of me hoped that he would ask me to continue our r/s
While the other part thanked him for his acceptance

I was reading through my journal yesterday and realized that we had so much drama

Correction – I was full of drama
With the appearance of the Rs, accidental text, stalking, wanting out, emailing him and all
All of this was done just to keep him by my side, it was so low handed of me
I also connected some dots on our affair
·         His wife mentioned that she suspected my existence back in Nov through a WA text on the PC. Coincidentally that was also when he first told me he didn’t know what to do and wanted to stay in for his kids (that means he actually broke up with me 3x times)
·         He got really angry with the accidental text and I realize now that was because it threatened his peace and what he was withholding from the both of us
·         He is just like me – a selfish person who will do anything to retain another’s affection/attention
·         He has fed me so many lies and I wanted to believe him because I wasn’t ready to let go too. I know he lied about
1) his lawyer’s appointment today on the separation – my gut & intuition tells me that it’s for the biz that he’s doing
2) how he doesn’t love or care about her – his actions doesn’t match his words

I  decided to stop this analyzing and trying to figure out what were lies, half truth or truth

It doesn’t matter anymore at this stage
I know it’ll be easier for me to beg for his return which I know will be futile too
I know the path that I am taking now, is right

I must remind myself that :

• He will always have a special place in my heart
• I can finally hold my head up high for I have done what is right
• There will be ups & downs in the coming days but I know that I can do it
• My self-worth is not determined by how much others want/do not want me – I know I am worthy

I know that today will be a great day and a wonderful weekend ahead!

I must remind myself why I am doing this

He told me he will not harass me
He told me that he & his wife are done

I cannot sway from my decision,
I will not ask him for lunch
I will not ask him for rides
I will not ask him back despite how down I feel

I must remind myself on why I want out

I am tired of being unhappy
I must do the right thing for everyone
I chose the wrong path from the start
It was a dead end from the beginning
I must turn back since I’ve reached the dead end
I cannot continue to stare at the dead end and hope that road will grow miraculously
I need to turn back so that I can take another path

I recognize there is no way I could have avoided the pain of this

Even if I rejected him from the start, it would have hurt

This too shall pass

I finally did it

I told him I wanted out and he jumped to the conclusion that it was because I wanted to be with someone else
It’s so hard being in the office, not going to him and telling him that I want to take back my words
It’s so lonely but I absolutely cannot continue to take the easy way out

Reminder to self on why I want or need to be out:

·         I can’t stand the longing anymore
·         I hate the lies and second guessing what he’s thinking/saying
·         I know he is lying to me regardless of what he says
·         I know he will never be ‘with’ me
·         I cannot ask him to leave his family for me, it will be selfish of me although I want him to myself 100%
·         I am tired of keeping words to myself, there are so many words that I want to tell him but I am scared that I will push him away with my words
·         I am not myself when I am with him
·         I am tired of worshipping him
·         I am sick of stalking them on FB/WA
·         I hate undermining my own self-worth for someone who doesn’t value me
·         I hate that this has become a competition
·         I hate it that I’ve become so needy and unsure of myself
·         I hate my lies and not knowing who to confide in with my frds
·         I hate the lack of understanding from anyone

I want to be happy, carefree and focus on myself/my gal again

I’ve put him as my number 1 for the past 15 months and it has brought me nothing but pain
To be fair – it wasn’t nothing, I have been very happy with him
The insecurity and pain started to increase after D-day
I want to stop my mood swings, suspicious nature, angry thoughts

It has reached the state where I care more for him, than he for me

I hate the constant struggle within me…
I want him with me, but I know he deserves to be home with them
I want to hear the truth yet I’m afraid
I want to tell him what I really think but I withhold cos I am afraid

I am so tired and I give up (my heart hurts so much & I’m trying so hard to hold my tears inside)