V Day & Weekend...

I was pleasantly surprised when he asked me if I was free for dinner on V Day. Asked him if he wanted to spend the evening with me because he thought I would be spending it with someone else, but he said no.
We had dinner and movie... was an simple and enjoyable night

At the end of the night, I couldn't resist and commented on the flowers. He claimed they were sent by her sister... What an excuse?! What an end to an otherwise wonderful day... I should have known better than to ask - I knew he would have given me a lame excuse/lie. I didn't bother to reply thenafter.
I wonder what lies he told her, while spending the evening with me. I guess the usual work excuse.
Over the weekend, the intervals for his texts were 5-6 hours long. Apparently, her WA offline status were at the same times as him despite his claims to have lunch with his friend.
I could hardly sleep last night, I realized that:

• his messages to me, has lessened
• the intervals between each message has increased
• he doesn't 'wait' for my replies anymore
• most of his texts are during weekdays only
• No more loves, promises, no sweet nothings
• No more presents
• No more "Good morning", "Good Night", "Sweet Dreams"

I decided to take the bulls by its horns and asked him directly this morning
If they were working on their marriage and if yes, I didn't want to be 'there'
He again claimed no and that they were strangers now but didn't add what was ahead for them
When asked, he said I was more than a friend to him (I asked if good friend, he said no)
I asked him what he will do if his wife found out that we were still in contact
His reply, they will separate
It's obvious that he is stringing me along, he is texting us both at the same time

He left work claiming the mum is hospitalized, let's see how things go...

Rambling on again... well my short goal for today - ignore my hp, ignore thinking about him, spend time with gal and go exercise if time permits

bleeding inside

Guess what...
She posted pictures of her lovely flowers on WA
my heart stopped when I saw them
I cannot tell you the extend of my pain
I will not allow myself to ask him
I know he has not given me any promises now
But again I bore hope because he said they have given up
The flowers confirmed that he has been lying all the while...
Why am I surprised?

A different kind of Valentine's Day

Googled for the definition of Valentine's Day - "Valentine's Day is a time when people show feelings of love, affection and friendship."

I decided that I shall not indulge in self pity today but instead lift myself up, count my blessings and appreciate myself today

My blessings :

• My family - for being there during my financial difficulties, divorce and continuous support through my ups/downs
• My health - to allow me to live life to the fullest. I am healthy enough to talk, walk, make decisions for myself, love others etc
• My friends - for being there for me through good/bad times. We may not spend a lot of time together but I know that they will be there for me when I shout for help
• A - for giving me my gal, for showing me on what I want in a life long partner, for being 'there' for me, for tolerating my childish behavior for the many years
• My work - for giving me the financial security that I need to bring up my gal, the people that I have met, those who have helped me to move up the ladder
• My past experiences - my depression, people whom have come into my life, the lessons that I've learnt, the challenges that I've faced
• My gal - for being my pillar of strength, serving as a constant reminder that I have to be strong for her as I am the sole provider, for loving me unconditionally, letting me know that I am deeply loved
• God - for letting me have a chance to know him, answering my prayers and gaining strength from him
• Fellow bloggers - who allowed to understand why I feel in a certain way, to learn from others, to relate to others, give compassion when others need it.

I appreciate and love myself for:

• Picking myself up after A and wanting to be a better person
• Knowing what is right and trying to do right by others (Not successful but I am still trying)
• For not lashing out at her, despite the pain I have inside myself
• For not telling him my inner most thoughts (that I want to be with him)
• Trying to come to terms that there will never be a "us" and learning to be by myself
• For stopping my excessive drinking and trying to find other ways to cope with my pain

Life doesn't go as planned

Life is full of ups and downs...
Now is definitely a downer for me
Was thinking about the past...
Spent 7 years with someone... got married, have a beautiful child but got divorced 5 years after marriage, spent another 7-8 lonely years by myself, putting my all in work and child
Changed job after job in hopes to fill the void in my empty heart, and in this job, I fell for my married boss for he showered me with so much attention which I craved.
I knew I was falling for him but refused to ask for more from him and kept the feelings to myself
Instead he pursued me and told me of his affection for me
We tried to not let it start but failed miserably... and started our affair in Oct 2012
I told myself and him then, that it would only be an affair, nothing more and it didn't turn out as such
We got careless and I got pregnant and he didn't stop me from going through the procedures
I remember the buckets of tears that I cried and my hopes that he will persuade me otherwise
but he didn't...
In this traditional environment, it will not be accepted if I carry on with my pregnancy
My family will kick me out and most importantly, I have to answer (more) questions for an absent father... The guilt that I bear towards my gal is too much for me to bear (absent ex). I cannot bear for more to feel sad over my decision
It is my guilt that I will bear for the rest of my life... I should get punished for what I have done
I cannot recall the number of times that I wanted out of this affair but kept taking one step forward and two steps back into it
After 14 months together, his wife found out on 8 Dec 2013 and he passed his hp to her for her to confront me
He continued to lie to her and claimed that we were not intimate
I told her we were intimate and only said twice after I realized what he had said
She asked if he told me he loved me, did he ask me to marry him... I didn't tell her anything
I cried out aloud when she kept pushing me and asking me questions
Why did I lie? To this day, I really don't know.. To make him guilty? I didn't want to hurt her, the details didn't matter... he hurt me, I didn't feel a need to return the hurt. After all, he told me that he wanted her and the family... he shared with her that he never loved me, I meant nothing, he couldn't do it with me, our intimacy was awkward, I was available, he couldn't break up with me due to guilt, he will resign from the company, he will cut off everything with me... in summary, I was the one sacrificed during this blow up and to say I was devastated is an understatement
He started avoiding me at work, took leave constantly and went on holiday with the whole family...
I remembered my downward spiral to hell, the many lonely nights where I got myself drunk, the self condemnation, guilt, pity and all...it was pure pure hell...
It changed again after he returned, I stupidly asked to be friends, didn't felt a need to avoid and continue making life a living hell... I thought I was so over it already but boy was I wrong!
In a way, it's back to Square 1 - before D-day but with only 20% of the attention
I know I was stupid by thinking I finally understand that it was over
But now... I am still feeling sad and affected over someone who doesn't care much or value me
I waited 7-8 years to be in another 'relationship' and ended up this way...
I would rather be alone for another 7-8 years than go through this
I like to think that I'm not someone bad, I didn't ask for this... it just happened..
I know I was and still am wrong, I have no fucking right to treat his wife like that
If I could turn back time, I rather not have met him...
It's a day full of regrets today...
I don't foresee that tomorrow will be any better

down...down... so down

I'm totally rambling today... going all over the place and making myself totally crazy and more down

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow... and the fact that I'm going spend it alone, is making me jittery
I have no recollection if we spent Vday together last year
He asked me casually yesterday if I was going for exercise this week
I admit I got defensive and told him that I was and that he didn't have to worry as I wouldn't ask him to spend the day with me so he could just go ahead with his plans. He explained that it wasn't what he wanted to ask but frankly I didn't believe. I know it made me look really petty and unreasonable but I just couldn't help it.
How could you tell me that it's not working out with your wife, you guys have given up on rebuilding your marriage, you will tell her (whatever that meant) soon, that the two of you are strangers, you have already decided, I am your soul mate, but yet not ask me to spend Vday with you?
Do you know how much I wish you will ask me to spend it with you? My telling you otherwise, is a self-attempt to kill any hopes that I have. You are smart, I'm sure you figured it out already.

Do you know it's really hurting when you said that I was your soulmate, when I asked who I was exactly to him at this current time? I told him that it hurt but couldn't articulate exactly why I feel that way. I guess to me, being a soulmate means nothing at this point of time, I was once his love, someone he wanted to marry, soulmate and all, but down - I'm just a soul mate, nothing more.
The logical me knows that we are over already - he hasn't told me that he wants to be with me in a long time, that he loves me, wants to spend as much time texting/chatting with me. I know what this means already

Feeling really catty today and can't seem to hold back my snide remarks
I keep sneaking peeks at her WA status to check if they are chatting
It's obvious that they are 'chatting' a lot, yet he can tell me they are polite strangers.
I know I have and will continue to have major trust issues
Why can't you be truthful towards me for once?
Even if it's to tell me, that you hate me and want me off your back
Tears are welling up in my eyes as I type today's entry...
Why...why.. why...

He commented earlier that I ask a lot about his wife..
I asked him again shortly after if this was what he thought, and he changed his words to "not a lot".
In temper tantrum - I told him I'll stop asking and when I can stop doing that - he should know the reason why I stopped

C, do you know how much I care for you? How much I love you?
You said you have low self-esteem, always living to someone else's expectations, a listener to your friends, yet talking to me all the time etc
Do you know that I really care about how you feel, how you are doing and want you to be yourself? I wanna listen to you talk all day (even when you are repeating yourself, I sometimes keep quiet about it so that I can hear you talk?), I wanna hold your hand to calm you when you are angry , massage your shoulders/neck when you are stressed, kiss you to show you how much I care, hug you to show you I like you the chubby you and tell you I just love you the way you are despite how you feel about your physical self. I know you think you are boring and frankly you are but I just love this boring you

A fellow blogger posted this... I remembered the MV but never really listened to the lyrics... and when I did, my flood gate just opened. But I can't figure out if I'm Gotye or Kimbra cos I can relate to both lyrics

Somebody I used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off (you did this after Dday)
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough (how could you when you pursued me?)
No you didn't have to stoop so low (Did you have to tell her that you never loved me, I was nothing?)
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over (yes I do, other times - I thought that you have really loved me)
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done (made me doubt myself - I'll never be good enough for anyone)
But I don't wanna live that way (yes I am so tired...)
Reading into every word you say (I want to go back to the past where I believed you wholeheartedly)
You said that you could let it go (I know this means nothing to you)
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

Don't we have a choice too?

I once shared everything with him...
Trying hard to hold back now - why would I want to bare my soul to someone who is only showing me his masked face?
What's the point of me telling him what I need when he can never be there for me? Even if he could help me, it will only cause me to hold on tighter to him...

I have so many questions that I want to ask him but don't dare..
I wonder how things are progressing for them.. I would think it is better since he's running off home everyday...
Will I believe what he says? I guess not, why bother asking?

I was weak and asked him out for dinner yesterday
Had a good time and realized how much I missed him

Read someone's blog, asking for guidance on what her MM was trying to tell her
Made me ask myself and wonder...
I am so guilty of that, always making myself miserable by trying to read into his words... what does he mean by this, what is he trying to tell me?
Do I have to read into everything he is saying or doing? What can't I just believe whatever he's telling me?
He can ask me to stay on like this but the question is - do I want to? Can I do it happily with no demands?
He can ask me to leave but am I ready to let go without a fight?
Isn't all this my choice too? I can choose to leave right? Then why do I have to ask him to let me go?
Why do I depend my actions on his decision?
Why am I behaving exactly like him?
He's waiting for her to throw him out so that he doesn't have to make a (right or wrong) decision?
Why am I allowing him so much control over me?
Why am I allowing him to call the shots and allowing him to cause me pain, unhappiness and all?'
I blame him for causing me hurt and for bringing me all this pain...

At the end of the day, I should blame myself for allowing him to step all over me

What is love?

Was a good weekend with reduced time on checking my hp...
there were a few messages and missed calls from him
Didn't want to explain why I didn't answer/reply so I lied that I was unwell
The time 'away' from him, felt good because :

• I was focusing on myself and my gal
• I didn't spent much time wondering what he was doing with her and his family
• I was not wondering if he was thinking about or missing me
• It basically felt good not to care or think about 'us' and where this was going

A friend once said this to me - "I don't think you really love him"
Was thinking about this earlier... Do I love him? Or do I just think that I love him because he is unattainable?
I wonder if he knew the difference...
Maybe he does, that's why he is not willing to let go of what he has
Will anybody ever know what they truly really want/need?

I remember saying to a friend that "if he left her/family for me, I would despise him as he would not be the man that I think that he is"
I cannot remember when exactly it changed to "I hope he would leave her cause he wanted to, not because I wanted him to"
Did this change because of love? Or because I don't want to be the loser in this battle?

Will I ever know the true meaning of love?

Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on.

A thought came into my mind today

Realized how selfish and self-centered I've been these past months, engaging in nothing but self-pity...

Suddenly thought about his wife - the one whom he betrayed...

As a fellow female, my heart goes to her. Tried putting myself in her shoes... it's definitely no easy feat... the heartbreak, the betrayal, disbelief, loss of trust, security, faith, anger and I'm sure she had cried buckets of tears.

No words can express how apologetic I feel towards you

You may not believe this but I didn't mean to hurt you

I hope my lies allowed the both of you, to rebuild your marriage

I'm sorry for not telling you the truth that you sought from me

It's pointless for you to know them as it would have prevented you from moving on

Do you know how much I envy you for your loving husband, your beautiful children and family?

I salute your strength in wanting to rebuild your marriage. Your determination in trying to make things work while balancing your family

You are a beautiful and courageous lady with a wonderful heart. 

He and I had a choice, and we chose to start this affair but you had none to prevent this.

I'm sure the two of you have your faults in this marriage but you never deserved this

I think that my love for him, is no lesser than yours but I have no right to fight with you (neither will I when I know its a lost cause)

You never had to worry about my existence as I have always knew he would have chosen you (but I stupidly still bore hope)

You have every right to hate me but I do not wish for the worst for you

I'm sorry for blocking you on WatsApp but I cannot handle you contacting me again

I tried to make you feel better but it made me feel worse

We are strangers stuck in this struggle, over one man (your man).

I hope you would be able to forgive the both of us for doing you wrong.

 

Love the words in this picture...

 

Cry

I've stopped crying out (aloud - my tears are now flowing inside of me)

Crying doesn't solve my troubles

It is only a form of temporary relief and I hate having to hide to cry  (for fear of worrying those around me)

It's time I stop watering my tears on a seed that's never going to grow

 

Forgive

I know I need to forgive myself for:

• not having the strength to stop this affair from starting (I knew it was wrong)
• going against everything I believed in
• introducing him to my gal (I am such a terrible example)
• lying in hopes to keep him with me
• falling in love with a MM
• sleeping with him
• losing my babies (this will be so difficult and I don't think I can ever get over this)
• allowing him to hurt me (I allowed this to happen)

Forgive him for:

• his lies (he lied but it was my choice to believe him)
• for saying that he loved me (I still remember how I choked up when I first heard it)
• giving me empty promises (proposals - I never thought it meant nothing to him)
• his cowardliness - for not telling me the truth about their /our relationship
• for engaging and connecting with my gal (she cannot stop talking about him and each time she mentions him, it is like a knife into my heart)
• hurting me
• believing and bearing hope in his words
• continuing to hold on to me (now) despite his promises to her

Learn

I learnt that:

• I need to stop holding on to something that never belonged to me in the first place (borrowing it for some time doesn't make it yours)
• I shall never ever be TOW again (it is alright to be alone, than be in such situations again)
• I shall protect my heart at all times (should have known better after A & divorce)
• I am worthy for someone better
• Put all my love and energy into people who care and love me (I have neglected my gal during my time with him)

Move on

I want to move on... I don't want to linger at the same spot

I am ready to try to move on.. I know I will succeed if I try hard enough

 

I know what's right but doing it hurts

A friend reminded me casually not to contact him unless it is for work else it will cause his wife to go crazy again...
I tried to explain that I didn't initiate any contact with him, it was him but I share the blame for I replied to his messages... I tried not to, only replying after multiple messages received. I know I am being cruel to his wife, I'm sorry but I trying already. I know its not enough but I promise I'll try harder

He texted my staff yest, asking about benefits for a married vs a divorcee. My staff asked me what was going on, I didn't know what to reply... What are you trying to prove?

This morning, I had a surge of courage and asked him to leave, not to wait for me and he left.. It hurt so much... I hated myself for doing it, never felt more alone but it was the right thing to do. Didn't have lunch together... and know that the day will end with me going back home alone... Yes, yes, yes I know this is the right thing to do, I should hang in there. I will but I just can't stop the hurt

Today I realized that:

• I don't know you anymore (perhaps I didn't know you from the start)
• I don't know what we can talk about (I want to share everything with you but yet feel so silly for sharing my insignificant stuff with you)
• I want to hear you talk (but not just about work but I sense your hold back)
• I want to hug you so tight (I miss hugging you but I don't cause I know it's wrong)
• I miss holding hands with you (your big warm hands but I don't cause it's wrong)
• I wonder if you feel the same as I do (I guess not, for your wife is avail. I don't mean to sound bitter but I'm just hurting right now)

What I want to say to you:
Pls stop your games and manipulation
As per my texts to you last night, please go back to your wife and remember the promises you've given to her (I've said this)
I am begging you to let me go
I am not strong enough to reject and turn away from you
I need you to go back to her and let me 'bleed' and hurt
I can't bear to let you go... but I know you will never choose me despite your promises
I'm so sick of my repetitive words of asking you to leave me again and again
I have been trying to make excuses for you, that you are confused hence your behavior
She has been there for you, a good wife, wonderful mother and so many years of good marriage( I've said this)
If I put myself into your shoes - I will definitely choose her, I swear
I may hate you for your decision in the end, but I really cut off this tumor now
I tried to be the surgeon but I need a co-surgeon in this, I cannot do it alone
I really have very strong feelings for you (I would like to think love - I didn't share this with you as I didn't want you to feel pressured by this. If you want to be with me, I wanted it to be because you feel the same way too)
I'm tired of crying inside... this is killing me and I'm sure this is not doing you any good either
Pls just let this end already...

(Today maybe the end... he seems pretty adamant not to text me. I'm so confused - on one hand, I wanna end this, on the other, I can't bear to cos it's so painful)

liar liar pants on fire

He lied again yesterday.. claimed to be going to meet a client at 7pm but ended up still at JP with me at that time - all this without informing the client that he would be late (hello? Do I really look so dumb to you?)
I guess I must seem pretty dumb to him:

• afterall he is my boss (nah... i'm talking about his knowledge)
• afterall I keep silent despite knowing his lies and empty promises
• my constant acceptance to let him back into my life, despite saying no just a second ago

I texted him last night, reminding him of his promises to his wife and family
Telling him it was alright to let go, no need to feel bad or guilty
I did not look at my hp and amazingly had a good rest (finally.. after many sleepless nights)
Unfortunately backpedaled again this morning when I saw him waiting downstairs for me

Read last night's texts and suddenly realized that he stopped saying he loved me
Actually I can barely remember the last time he said it
He mentioned his heartache, feelings were not of guilt (but nothing more)
The coward in me, do not ask or clarify
For fear of what he may say, or lies he may give
I do not ask as I know that I will 'kill' myself by second guessing his every words

I hate myself for being such a loser, 'begging' for his attention

Just told him i will go back myself today - his reply - ok, in bad shape, lousy company, will rub on without me knowing"
Seriously? just fuck off!

A lonely CNY

It has been a lonely few days...
his texts are obviously dwindling and getting more impersonal
as time passes, it is getting more obvious that this has ended long ago
his choice more obvious each day
I really don't blame his choice in his family
but anger towards his words or promises given to me
his lingering hold on me

it was awkward this morning...
I'm tired.. of making so much efforts and craving him so much
whilst I am just an afterthought...

I wonder

• what he is actually thinking despite his words
• what he is saying to her about their r/s
• what he is saying to her about me
• what they are doing as a family
• what he really wants from me

Do I really want to know?
I'm not sure but these questions are going through my mind over and over again
I feel so tired today
so demoralized after reading the blog that shared what MM really thinks of their AP
I feel so silly, down and feel like crying
when will things ever pick up?