Everything's changed

It just hit me this morning, that everything's changed...

 

There are

• No more sweet messages
• No more presents/drawings
• No more sweet nothings abt love and who I’m with/doing
• Lies about leaving office early (mum, unwell, meeting) or late (calls)
• I felt turned off when he tried to be funny in the staircase yesterday. This morning, I refused to go to the carpark with him as I knew where/what it would have ended in.

I don’t want to force him

• To spend time with me
• To give me gifts (I’m not talking abt valuable things)
• To say meaningless sweet nothings to me
• To text me as we were doing in the past
• To tell me about what he is doing during weekends/holidays

I can tell that he is trying or struggling with spending time at home/me

He is barely spending any additional time with me and I’m suffering from the lack of attention

Should I be glad that he’s bothering to come up with lies to put me down gently?

I need to wake up and reconcile that he had made his choice and his choice doesn't include me

 

I must remind myself to “Sit and let God put my enemies at my feet”

My enemies are not me or her or even him but it is my addiction to him

My unhappiness, my guilt, self-blame and all the negative stuff

I know I can break free of the insecurity, unhappiness and addiction

I know I can move on.. I will move on…

Tired

Feeling super confused this week… all triggered mainly because it was my bday and so far, he has not attempted to do anything or given me anything
I have so many thoughts in my mind, so many question marks in my head..

Why I am frustrated with the situation

·         Not enough time with him
·         That I am just an 9-5 Mon to Fri companion
·         His constant lies
·         His constant refusal to do anything about the situation
·         I hate my part in this entire story – where is my integrity, morals?

What I will achieve by being suspicious & my constant harping about the same things

·         Push him further away
·         It’s obvious that he’s losing interest – it will just escalate this

What exactly do I want?

·         Do I love him? Or do I just want his physical self?
·         I need to recognize that he is not a possession
·         If I really love him, I will accept the situation and be there for him when he needs me
·         Like a fellow blogger, I need to let him recognize and come to terms on what he needs to do for himself. Can I ever be as selfless as her? Will I ever be capable of putting his wants/needs above mine?

When can I stop blaming him? Putting my expectations on him? And hoping that he will do more for me?

Even if he is playing with me, it is a fact that the 3 of us are suffering in this affair
Does it matter whether I know what he is trying to do? How will it help me if I try to psychoanalyze the situation?
I may think that this is what he is thinking/why he is doing this but would it make me feel better when it is only a figment of my analysis?

I wonder if I really want to know what he is thinking?  I wonder what I will do if I knew the truth?

Would I be able to end things when I confirm that things are not as bad as he claims?
Can I not feel anger and hurt when I confirm that he is doing more for her and nothing for me?
Will I be able to forgive him and walk away?
Will I not cause a scene and come up with ways to try to keep him with me?
Can I handle the truth? Does the truth really matter? Do I want to know just because I want to be right in my assessment?
Hasn’t his actions already shown me what his mouth didn’t say?
Why can’t I accept the fact that he’s already moved on – away from me and back to her & his family?
Why do I have to be such a sore loser about the whole situation?

I’m so f@cking tired of everything… I do not want to fight anymore

I give up.. I surrender.. I don't want to think anymore
My goal for this long weekend – I will disconnect from the internet and hibernate...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

She changed her WA profile pic yesterday
I suspect she saw my new profile pic and decided to show me their couple pic
I know they are lovey dovey and I don’t blame her for wanting to show me how happy they are (it is a reminder to myself that he's lying to me still)
I have decided there wasn’t a need for me to hide my face…
She already knew about my existence… it would be so easy for her to just wait for me outside ofc
The WA belongs to me, what belongs to her – was never mine in the first place – there is no need for me to hide anymore
The same applies to A, she is his daughter – he has every right to see how she looks like

Despite what he says to me verbally, calling me dear, his claim of missing me and appearing to care about my well-being

I know that his heart is with her and his family
Why did I tell him that I missed him?
Why am I doing this? I have cut it off already, why am I turning back again?

God, I put myself in your hands and seek refuge from you
I am exhausted…. pls help me...

My baby step for today - no staring at my hp.. small bb steps... before I try to leap

Feeling frustrated

He was ignoring me yesterday, only sent me 4 msg despite being repeatedly online
He didn’t send me to work today… lied that he woke up late despite him being online since 6.20am
Should I ‘ambush’ him later in the office? He said he will pick up stuff from office for tml’s trip..
It’s obvious that he is avoiding me but why so?
You approached me last Friday.. you came to pick us up but lied about your subsequent trip to meet a customer
You recorded a bday song and sent it to me, and called me dear
I think you were not happy that I didn’t share with you on my whereabouts over the weekend
Neither am I happy that you pulled me back and is pushing me away again
It just frustrates me so much

***********************

Spoke to him earlier and asked him directly if he was being off again.. he was telling me about his work challenges and stress
My heart went to him when I heard about his frustrations
He then shared about his constant headache, his sister’s admission to hospital, his visit to the lawyer blar blar
He said he needed to go through another counseling (mandate) which he said he will forgo if it wasn’t mandate
His ‘story’ about her causing a scene at the lawyer firm where she wanted to know her rights
How he felt embarrassed by her scene and how he came to know that she went for another counseling session w/o him
Then he changed the topic to his sister… l guess there is only so much that you can lie about the appointment right?
Although my heart went to him, I also realized that he is really a coward with no courage to call a spade a spade
If you want to stop talking to me on a personal level, just say it..
He left early again – on the pretext that he wasn’t well and needed to see a doctor
What a coincidence, the both of them has been offline for nearly 2 hours
It cannot get any more obvious… he was lying to me again

I thank God that you will be away tomorrow…

It’ll be easier that he is away and I can put my focus elsewhere instead

Tough road ahead but I know I can do it

I initiated a ride from him last evening (I know I shouldn't have)
After the ride – I realized that he has accepted that it is over
A part of me hoped that he would ask me to continue our r/s
While the other part thanked him for his acceptance

I was reading through my journal yesterday and realized that we had so much drama

Correction – I was full of drama
With the appearance of the Rs, accidental text, stalking, wanting out, emailing him and all
All of this was done just to keep him by my side, it was so low handed of me
I also connected some dots on our affair
·         His wife mentioned that she suspected my existence back in Nov through a WA text on the PC. Coincidentally that was also when he first told me he didn’t know what to do and wanted to stay in for his kids (that means he actually broke up with me 3x times)
·         He got really angry with the accidental text and I realize now that was because it threatened his peace and what he was withholding from the both of us
·         He is just like me – a selfish person who will do anything to retain another’s affection/attention
·         He has fed me so many lies and I wanted to believe him because I wasn’t ready to let go too. I know he lied about
1) his lawyer’s appointment today on the separation – my gut & intuition tells me that it’s for the biz that he’s doing
2) how he doesn’t love or care about her – his actions doesn’t match his words

I  decided to stop this analyzing and trying to figure out what were lies, half truth or truth

It doesn’t matter anymore at this stage
I know it’ll be easier for me to beg for his return which I know will be futile too
I know the path that I am taking now, is right

I must remind myself that :

• He will always have a special place in my heart
• I can finally hold my head up high for I have done what is right
• There will be ups & downs in the coming days but I know that I can do it
• My self-worth is not determined by how much others want/do not want me – I know I am worthy

I know that today will be a great day and a wonderful weekend ahead!

I must remind myself why I am doing this

He told me he will not harass me
He told me that he & his wife are done

I cannot sway from my decision,
I will not ask him for lunch
I will not ask him for rides
I will not ask him back despite how down I feel

I must remind myself on why I want out

I am tired of being unhappy
I must do the right thing for everyone
I chose the wrong path from the start
It was a dead end from the beginning
I must turn back since I’ve reached the dead end
I cannot continue to stare at the dead end and hope that road will grow miraculously
I need to turn back so that I can take another path

I recognize there is no way I could have avoided the pain of this

Even if I rejected him from the start, it would have hurt

This too shall pass

I finally did it

I told him I wanted out and he jumped to the conclusion that it was because I wanted to be with someone else
It’s so hard being in the office, not going to him and telling him that I want to take back my words
It’s so lonely but I absolutely cannot continue to take the easy way out

Reminder to self on why I want or need to be out:

·         I can’t stand the longing anymore
·         I hate the lies and second guessing what he’s thinking/saying
·         I know he is lying to me regardless of what he says
·         I know he will never be ‘with’ me
·         I cannot ask him to leave his family for me, it will be selfish of me although I want him to myself 100%
·         I am tired of keeping words to myself, there are so many words that I want to tell him but I am scared that I will push him away with my words
·         I am not myself when I am with him
·         I am tired of worshipping him
·         I am sick of stalking them on FB/WA
·         I hate undermining my own self-worth for someone who doesn’t value me
·         I hate that this has become a competition
·         I hate it that I’ve become so needy and unsure of myself
·         I hate my lies and not knowing who to confide in with my frds
·         I hate the lack of understanding from anyone

I want to be happy, carefree and focus on myself/my gal again

I’ve put him as my number 1 for the past 15 months and it has brought me nothing but pain
To be fair – it wasn’t nothing, I have been very happy with him
The insecurity and pain started to increase after D-day
I want to stop my mood swings, suspicious nature, angry thoughts

It has reached the state where I care more for him, than he for me

I hate the constant struggle within me…
I want him with me, but I know he deserves to be home with them
I want to hear the truth yet I’m afraid
I want to tell him what I really think but I withhold cos I am afraid

I am so tired and I give up (my heart hurts so much & I’m trying so hard to hold my tears inside)

Lies..lies and more lies

Guess who will be leaving office earlier today?
He appears to keep doing this so frequently… weekly to be exact
Since when do we need a senior person of the coy to settle vendor stuff?
Seriously, relax – its obvious that you have arranged for something after work today
Afterall, I told you that I had something else on…
Don’t worry – my girl is not well today, I will be going straight home
You can enjoy your time together…
Just don’t tell me that you get ‘tired’ when you think about her
Spare me the lies
 

I don't know what to do anymore

I asked him this morning – about his lawyer appointment
He told me should be Friday and he said that it was to ask details, custody etc
Seriously? If it was so and if you wanted to be with me – I am sure you would have told me without my prob right?

I saw his wedding ring mark again this morning

Couldn’t control myself and told him that he didn’t have to remove it anymore
He gave me the same excuse that he wear it to his mum house cause she didn’t know? (erm.. did you forget that you told me you moved back home previously? Why would she not know then?)
I’m so sick of doubting him, doubting myself, asking myself what I am doing

She’s so smart by giving him the space so that she doesn’t ‘push’ him away and get to keep him with the family

She is right and afterall she deserves to be with him and the family
I just cant do it.. I’ll be left with nothing when he cuts me off
I cannot continue doing this anymore.. I’ve become so paranoid and insecure

I know I shouldn’t and cannot feel jealous and upset over their time together

I know I am just the intruder and have no right to feel this way
I really am feeling very down

I know I said I wanted to enjoy the rest of my time with him

But it’s so hard to live with such dishonesty and lies

The end is coming... very soon...

Last week, ended with me asking him not to text me over the weekend
He continued to do what he wanted and I barely replied

Again I couldn’t control myself on Fri and asked when he was free the following week and he gave me a date (I know how pathetic it made me look)
He texted me out of the blue on Sat nite and told me he needed to take a day off this week to go lawyer
Let’s wait and see… deep down, I know that it will definitely be on Thu – the day that he ‘gave’ me despite him saying Wed/Fri
Seriously – you fix an appointment to see lawyer without knowing which day?
It’s hurting that he would pull such stunt on the single day that we are supposed to go out…

We didn’t even have any WA texts today

I know where this is heading – it’ll be the end very soon
What can I do to prepare myself for the final ‘hit’?
No matter what I say to myself to ‘convince’ myself that I should be prepared, I know it’s gonna be difficult
At least… there will be an ending after nearly 1½ years…
I really hope that he remembers me next time, of course in a good way
I don’t think I can ever forget him… I hope that I can forgive him and myself eventually…

Obsessed with his 'her' too

Although there are times that I feel that she's a witch (alright, I try to tell myself that so that I can feel better for my part in this affair) but deep down - I know she is a better person than I am...

• She does not get angry when he is working when their son is sick (I know I would)
• She doesn’t contact me anymore (and on my side, I cannot stop my stalking)
• She doesn’t get jealous and get into hussy fits when he comes to work (If it was me, I know I will ask him to leave the Coy)
• She wants to work on this with him – counseling, TW trip etc (I could have walked out already)

I can understand why he cannot leave her and I respect that for the amazing woman that she is...
I only ask that he hurts us no more - I know it'll hurt me very much initially and frankly I'm not ready but it has to be soon because I hate this 'me'. When I look at the mirror, I do not recognize this obsessive, needy and crazy stalker

Obsession

I need to stop this obsession with him
He told me his son was sick and he left slightly earlier yesterday and for some reason I feel that he is trying to avoid spending time with me
An overview for this week: 
M – Mum unwell
T – Meet Paul at airport
W – Embassy biz dinner
T – son sick
F – son sick

I believe his son is really unwell and there is no reason for him to lie since I’m not free today

I just feel that I have this unhealthy obsession over him and told him that I was feeling needy just now
I’m not sure why.. maybe I am PMSing
I feel that it’s really sick of me, to be jealous over a poor sick boy
You know what? Even if he is lying, then he is one sick and selfish SOB
In a way, its great that it’s the weekend and he doesn’t have to come up with more lies so that we don’t have to spend time in the evening

Mark my words, he will not leave office to go home earlier today – afterall he doesn’t have to lie to me as I've got other appointments

 

My deadline is coming… I need to get used to being independent again..

Counting down – 2 weeks left and I hope I don’t get dumped in the meantime
I want to be the one who ends this (for once)
I need the dignity for myself

Know who is your real enemy

I took a test yesterday and was so glad that it turned out negative
I feel exhausted and want out of this
Yet I am so afraid of what’s to come - the loneliness, pain, sadness
I hate being so weak, at his mercy
I hate it that he tells me such lies.. that he will be happy if it was positive.. that feeling relieved wasn’t on his mind..
I rather you just shut the f up! Don’t freaking pretend to care when you do not

I just saw that he didn’t finish my muffins

I feel kinda insulted by it… if my hard work isn’t appreciated, he could jolly well return them to me

Today, I feel really emotional, feeling sso exhausted and drained by this whole affair

I want out of this – it’s enough
I hate being his option whilst she is his choice
I know she is not my enemy… for I am the one causing her hurt
He is my enemy
My heart is also my greatest enemy, for being so weak

Could it be?

For some reason – she decided to unblock me after noon today
I saw her new WA profile pic and I knew she attended service yesterday
That explained why they were ‘missing’ from WA the whole morning
I guess she maybe still trying very hard to remove me and what happened from her memory

I eventually didn’t take half day

I changed my mind and asked him to send me back to ofc instead of just dropping me off
I literally saw his expression plastered on his face but he replied ok as long as he was back by 1.30pm
He didn’t ask if I wanted lunch and I had to initiate it… otw back ofc – I suspected he could have promised his family to be back hence his distraction
And guess what? I was right – he used his mum as an excuse again

I kept burping otw to the hospital and became alittle dizzy and nauseous

I gave a remark that I couldn’t be so lucky right
And his immediate reaction was? He drove through a red light

Trust me when I said I seriously don’t want to go through that again, even more than him
The mental torture, guilt, hatred for myself.. the frustration of him not taking responsibility
No thanks… frankly I am so afraid, what if I really am so lucky? I absolutely cannot be so unlucky right?
But that could explain my sudden tiredness last week but it would have been abnormally fast…
I’m so scared… I want to confide in someone but I don’t know who to confide in
I feel so alone.. what do I do? God help me

Blocked on WA

I realized yesterday that she suddenly blocked me on WA
I wonder why… possible reasons are:
-          She realized I blocked her after she tried to text me (or she has also been stalking me)
-          She’s over me – they have officially moved on (without me)
-          She finally realized that I was never a threat to them
-          She feels there is no need to flaunt their happiness in my face
-          She doesn’t want me to stalk her
-          She’s got tired of ‘stalking’ me and is ready to disregard my existence

In a way, I’m glad she did what she did. Frankly I would rather she not have done so, at least I can see their happy moments and affect myself even more.

At least, I know that I am no longer tormenting her and her thoughts… which should be some kind of relief for her.
It's overdue - I should stop stalking the both of them already

He came back on Saturday and lied again that he was waiting for me at my void deck

Seriously – why would you not call me if you did what you did? Based on your trend, you will text or call me but definitely not do it in hopes to just catch a glimpse of me?!
I really am such a sucker for your stupid lies, and seriously – you are a terrible liar!
I was hoping that he will really see me (Frankly I would if I genuinely cared about the person)
He bought stuff for my girl and one for me
I tried to return but failed – my guess, he bought an identical one for his wife and mine was just a add-on
As much as I care for him, I’m tired  of his lies and the what-ifs

Guess where we went after he picked me up? Sigh – I feel so used and stupid for allowing him to use me this way
I told him I’ll take half day today and he volunteered to drop me off for the test
I was hoping he’ll spend the day with me but he hinted he was too busy
I thought he’ll volunteer to send me to/fro for the test to save my leave but he didn’t
When I told him I could go on my own, he told me he could drop me somewhere
Mark my words – he will definitely not volunteer to spend time with me at all
I need to exercise self-control… I need to prepare myself for 17 April and the days ahead
It’s alright… I must have dignity at the end of all this.. Chin up!

What Ifs

What if:

• He suddenly call it quits again?
• She calls/texts me again and knows that we are together again?
• She found my address and decided to pay me a home visit?
• What if she pays us a visit at the office?
• What if my family found about this?
• What if he resigns out of the blue?
• What if he tells me that I just his sex partner?
• What if he says that he has no feelings for me?
• What if he dumps me again – when she finds out? (He already dumped me twice & I shouldn’t be surprised if he does it again)

I’m so afraid of all these what-ifs
I know the only way out of the worrying, is to end all of this
It’s interesting how I am afraid and yet look forward to the end

I don't want to live my life in fear
17th April.... I need to live by this deadline

Envying hurts

I’m so envious of her that it hurts, I’m jealous cause she is:

• So brainy – Gifted program, I’m sure she’s super intelligent
• A looker – she’s so pretty, sweet, slim, fair, youthful looking
• Has such a blessed life – SAHM with 3 beautiful kids
• Has such a loving husband who obviously cares for her too much to leave
• Has so many wonderful friends who always compliments her
• Has relatives who are clearly in the elite category (doctors & such)

In summary an obviously very blessed, virtuous and beautiful person both inside & outside

She’s obviously got everything… But do you know what I admire most about her?

For her obvious strength in managing this entire episode
Her forgiveness, love, humility and all
I know for sure that I will not have her strength and do what she’s doing
I’m sure that is why he is grabbing on to her
She is his safety net and a proven keeper
I’m not belittling myself to make myself feel better but she is really the better one

I keep reminding myself of what I heard recently

I do not have to be jealous of what God has given unto others
Because I know that God will give what he wants to me
I don’t have to envy others – if it’s mine to have, God will give it to me
I must have faith

My own deadline

Again, I couldn’t control myself and asked him if we could spend this evening together, he agreed. I promise to stop myself from ‘begging’ for his time
Sad to say that I’m back to square 1… I guess back with him again
I want to ask him where this is bringing us but I don’t dare to
Why? I don’t want to know, I want to be the ostrich for now… I don’t want to lie to myself or hear any from him
I guess I’ll just take one day at a time for now…
I give myself to 17^th April to put an end to this, after birthday
I want someone to care for me during my day… that’s the last thing I would like to have from him
In the meantime, I will give him all my attention and love, with no expectations
He’ll be away next week, I guess it’s a good opportunity for me to stand up on my own again

For today:

1. Aim to concentrate on work & no hp watching J
2. Acceptance that it is alright if he doesn’t spend this evening with me - He can be physically with you, but yet so far away. I do very much want him to spend it with me, but I must prepare myself for disappointment too. There are many options for him to choose to 'escape' out, including using his mum/kids. I will not push or ask again, if he really wants to go out - he will ask.

Her shoes

Instead of mourning over him or indulging myself in pity, I decided to put myself in her shoes in this post.

If I’m her (BS), what will I be thinking?

• Why did he betray me?
• What did they do?
• When did this start?
• Were any of them telling me the whole truth at all?
• What does she look like?
• Did he love her?
• Does he still have any feelings for her?
• Did she seduce him?
• What did she have that I didn’t?
• Is he still seeing her?
• Are they still together?
• How could he do this to our family and kids?
• What did I do wrong?
• How can I sleep beside him again?
• How do I have trust in him and his words again?
• Should I stay or go?
• Should I leave and start anew?
• How do I start anew?
• I put in so much for our family, how could he?
• What do I tell my family and friends?
• Why does it hurt so much?
• When will the pain ever end?
• Is he telling me the truth now?
• What? When? Why? How?

I know I do not want to be in her shoes and I really am very sorry for my part in causing you the hurt and turmoil

A good break

I had a good short break with my gal
Unfortunately I took a back step again during the break
He picked us up, went lunch with us and played with my gal
Seeing him play with her, touched my soul to the core
It may not mean anything to him, but to me – it meant more than my life

He then left for his biz dinner but turned up suddenly after it ended and I back slided again…

After the whole thing, I suddenly told him that I had no more hope to be with him
I was tired and can't explain why I said that
Perhaps to let him know that I’ve given up all hope (really? I don’t know)
He tucked me in and went back home shortly after
It hurt that he couldn’t stay longer (afterall didn’t he claim that he/his wife was over already?)
I didn’t ask for more nor why
Because I didn’t want to listen to lies

I don’t understand why he is doing this

Calling an end to things and yet retracting his words thenafter
It’s obvious that their r/s is not in the state as he claimed
Wouldn’t it be better off that we ended this?
Let me go… please
Don’t play with my heart and mind like this

I had a bad night yesterday

Dreamt that the both of them took new wedding pics
A stark reminder to myself that I am the outsider
I’m back to staring at my hp again

I noticed she changed her WA settings

And her pics have recently been about prayers
I suspect she is trying to find strength to rebuild their r/s too
Learning to trust him and start all over again
I  know that I should not join him to hurt her like that
I need divine help
I can’t do this alone
I know at the end of all this, it'll just be the two women.. hurt by one man...
She doesn't have a choice as she's bounded to him, by sacred marriage vows
But for me, I allowed him to do this to me

Thank God for small victories

He tried to be funny again this morning but I refused and he tried to get his way to no avail
He gave me a crap story about wanting to be with me and love me but I refused to barge
I told him in the face that he had rejected me twice and I will be stupid to return back again
And that I do not get intimate with anyone whom I am not seeing
He tried to push again and stopped subsequently
He told me about his mum asking about his move home, H/boys asking etc
I didn’t give any reaction and asked him to work harder
He told me off that it wasn’t as easy as I said it
In a way, he was right because the story that he was feeding me – wasn’t true, so there wasn’t any difficulty

He gave his promise to me never to ask me about R again

I think he finally realized that I will not go back this time round
His attitude towards me turned abrupt and cold after he realized that I was not falling for his words
I told him that he was like a child, refusing others to play his toy despite wanting to throw that toy away
But he denied that

I told him that there will always be a part of me, that feel strongly for him

But I was relieved that it’s over, which he said he was relieved too
I asked him if we were still friends and he replied yes (quite reluctantly)

What I really want to tell him

• I really want to be with you – but I recognize that it’s a one way street
• Your words & actions hurt me to the core last week – in a way, it’s irreversible
• I know you are still lying now about things not working out with her – pls stop already
• Stop being so selfish – have a thought for me, since you let me go – don’t pull me back anymore
• Stop giving me hopes and showing me concern – that’ll only make it more difficult for me to let go
• Pls stop using me - I'm not your sex toy

BTW, he left ofc again and is on leave today

I guess I’ll see him next week (if I do)
Good for me not to see him too

My milestones for today:

• NO looking at my hp
• Focus on my work on hand

A time for some random reflections

He texted me last night asking for reply about the another person again
He used his previous tactic of saying moving on with his kids alone blar blar
I didn’t reply him
I think he forgot that he has already dumped me and that will not work anymore
If he wants me back, he needs to work harder
It’s obvious he doesn’t but yet he doesn’t want to see me move on
He volunteered to massage my back today but I refused
He massaged the bruises on my leg and I openly cringed and tried to pull my leg back
His face changed… too bad my darling, I’m no longer with you so you have no right to touch me anymore
Selfish and conceited bastard

My little milestones for today:

- Finish my work tasks on hand
- Plan holiday program
- Stop looking at my hp!!!

I've been rambling non-stop about his behavior & how he treated me since I started this blog...

I wanna do some reflection too..

As part of my reflection, these are some topics that I want to touch on:

- If I was her, what will I be thinking? (try to put myself in her shoes)
- How did I end up in this state? (What I can do to prevent a recurrence)
- If I was him, what will I be thinking? (this is part of my attempt to stop being manipulated by him)
- What I have learnt after this experience? (No pain, no gain)

Totally off topic here...

But I was thinking last night of how blessed I am

Yes I have my fair share of troubles, ups and downs just like anyone else

My life may not be as smooth sailing as many

I may have brought a lot of unnecessary troubles to myself and those around me

And if you ask me if I want to undo anything, hmmm... I wonder too

If you ask me at this point in time, I guess I want to 'undo' this affair

But yet, I feel that everything that happened, has taught me important lessons

I just wanna undo the hurt that I caused and the wrong I committed due to this affair

 

Today is a good day... I hope it continues

Drama king

My friend is right… he is such a drama king
He sent me back after work yesterday
Had quick dinner and he claimed to have gone for TKD class to practice for competition
Texted me later at night and told me about his supper
I didn’t ask… why bother since I didn’t believe him?

Today, he picked me up like old times

We were chatting like old times until I refused to tell him where I was going next week while on leave
He then ‘acted jealous’ again
I needed to remind myself that he was acting this way because I didn’t give him the attention he was expecting
He expected me to be pinning after him and didn’t count on me behaving otherwise instead

Guess who left office again?

On pretext that he had a meeting… sigh
I checked out their WA timings and the timings were all in sync

He is asking if I’m serious about another

All the questioning, like the past

This is seriously getting abit lame

Ground zero

He texted me last evening, based on the content - if was as if everything is back to normal
He put his mum’s specialty wine at my door this morning but didn’t offer to send me to work
Was familiar yet a stranger..

With this, I’m back at ground zero

Staring at my hp and waiting for his texts
Bearing hope about what he said about his wife & him
I know there must be zero hope

I must take control of myself!

I will concentrate on taking baby steps and:
·         Refuse to look at my hp
·         Concentrate on my tasks on hand
·         I will NOT focus on what he said about them, us and questions, I must remember that I mean naught to him

Wake up!

He asks you because…
He wanted to know is if you are with someone else
He doesn’t care if you are really happy
He just wants to make sure that you are still pinning for him
Thinking about him, hurting over him, wanting him
That’s all he cares about

So what if he told you that he moved back to his mum’s house?

You have read in so many blogs/books that they will move back home eventually

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
He asks questions as if he cares…
Your heart stops and a part of you hope that he still cares (for you)
There is a part of you that hopes that he’ll volunteer to send you back
For everything to be back to normal
And what happens?
Guess who has left office for the day?
It is one big joke
And it’s on me

Pls stop your drama

Why did you email my staff to change your home address?
What are you trying to prove?

Why do you call everyone by name in the email, except for me?

Do you have to be so obvious?

 

BTW, there is no need for you to hide your hand during the meeting

I already saw your wedding ring
You slipped up, removing it after doesn't change the fact that I've seen it

Why do you need to ask my staff if we needed an intern?

Shouldn’t you be asking me this instead?
Do you need to make things so ugly?

Can you pls stop all the drama?

Pls let me move on...

Trying to come to terms

I don’t understand
How could he just cut me off like that?
It’s been about 16 months… and I’m amazed that he could just drop me in a snap of a finger
Did I ever mean anything to him?
I don’t understand how he could be so cold

I blocked him over the weekend on WA
He texted me and asked if I was ok and called me twice
I’m proud of my small achievement – I didn’t answer or reply
I’m not ready to unblock him, for now

Should I be angry?

Yes I have a right to be
Afterall, he just dropped me like a hot potato
He was needy when I wanted out
He dropped me when I wanted him
I loved him so much but yet what I gave wasn’t enough

Should I be disappointed?

Yes I definitely am
He said that he wanted to spend his life with me but didn’t mean it
He couldn’t live up to his words but turned this around
He assured me of his love but his words turned out to be cheap
He’s definitely not the man that I thought he was

Should I be frustrated?

Yes I absolutely am at this whole situation
He didn’t let me have a say in his decision
What would I say if he asked?
I guessed this farce would have dragged on
What’s the point?

Should I be grateful?

Yes I should be grateful that he finally decide to be the man
I know that I don’t have the strength to end this and neither did I want it to
He did the right thing by cutting this off
I still feel that he could have managed it better
Is there a better method?
Would that have made me accept the ending better?
I guess not

Should I feel relieved?

Yes I should feel relieved that this is finally over
I can finally stop looking at my hp a gazillion times per day, wondering why he didn’t text me
I can cease my questioning of why he doesn’t ask me out
My self-doubt, self-questioning, self-condemnation
Does it matter why it’s over?
Do I need to analyze the root cause?
Did this happen because he wants to work on his marriage with his wife?
I need to reconcile the fact that nothing else matters

It’s finally really over
There will never ever be a us (and there wasn't any from the start)
I can now lift my head high, I am no longer TOW
I am my own woman

What was I expecting?

Caught him before he left the office (again and w/o speaking to me)
Asked him why
Gave me a load of bull about not being able to give me happiness and that he is not a control/possessive freak blar blar blar blar
Told him to just give me the truth but felt that he continued to give me lies
I told him straight that I gave him many chances to go back but he refused
It was cruel of him to say one thing and changed his mind the next moment
that he thought that I would be happier w/o him – I told him he had no right to decide what I wanted
I ended with telling him that I always asked him what he wanted but he never cared to ask what I wanted
And I thought that he was a fucking selfish bastard and ended at that

I feel even worse than last night

I feel so dumb for believing in him, how could I be so stupid?
He’s such a coward! He has no guts to tell anyone the truth at all
I thought he was a better man and I’m so disappointed that he turned out otherwise
Stupid me thought that he would appreciate me for what I’ve put in and boy I am so wrong
I was nothing but a mere toy to play by the sideline and he’s gone on back to what he has always wanted and never given up
I am so angry
But I'm not sure if I'm more angry at him or myself
I guess at myself for putting my vulnerable stupid self, in this position

It's over

He told me he wanted out, out of the blue last evening
I am still in shock and disbelief
In the morning, he held my hand and said he wanted to be with me
And told me otherwise in the evening
I cannot understand why this is happening and why it was so random

I tried calling, texting & approaching him just now but my attempts failed

I ‘caught’ him as he was leaving his room and asked for a talk which he agreed to later
He just replied my text and admitted to withdrawing from me (I asked him if he was in the late morning)
And said he wanted out due to shame and insecurity towards his kids and me
If so, then why tell me otherwise in the morning?
I guess my 6^th sense has always been spot on

As much as I want a reconciliation, I will not ask for one

I only ask for the truth from him
I am at least entitled to this much right?
I will force myself to accept even if he told me that he wants to work again on his marriage
But pls don’t give me anymore cock and bull stories

I feel so hurt

It’s so painful to be rejected
I know I was the one who gave him the knife to stab me but I wasn’t prepared when it hit

I know the truth or lie shouldn’t matter at this point

I asked for this to end and I got what I asked for
In a way, I feel relieved it’s over
No more games or skirting around issues
No more second guessing his words
I know now, where I stand in this and my worth, value
He doesn’t love me
But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t love myself
I should love myself more precisely because he doesn’t

I wish him and his family the best

I know they will strive and love stronger than before