Clear & calm thoughts on the eve of CNY

He seemed upset when I mentioned about the movie date tonight (I confess I was trying to see a reaction)
he told me about his ex GF, the one whom he had very strong feelings for (suddenly)
I didn't know how to react but appeared excited and encouraged for him, that could have pissed him further off

Was reading another blog on "How men feel after the affair - Part 1" and made me better understand why he behaved the way he did during and after D-day.

The blog is right on many accounts:

• he must have been so guilty towards her (which he mentioned)
• he must have regretted the affair (for he is someone who hates confrontation)
• affair was due to a boast in the self esteem (I was interested in what he shared, said etc)
• he starts seeing/feeling differently about me (obviously by his recent behavior towards me)

Part 2 continues on more with mentions of

• his confusion - whether it is an in, or out (which explains his ding dong now)
• he is scared and sad with her meltdowns, his constant pacifications
• he is alone (he cannot say things to piss either of us off as he hasn't figured anything out yet)
• he had overemphasized TOW's good qualities and downplayed hers (which I can imagine is a fair conclusion for I know she is a better wife/mother/person to me)

After reading this, I realized that I've done so many things wrongly since D-day. Revisiting the hows, whys didn't make me feel better... I doubted whatever that came out from his mouth...
I only cared about my own hurt, confusion and tried to understand why I did what I did
I knew clearly in my heart that our r/s was a fantasy, we never experienced daily things together, life together, many basic things as a couple such as knowing about each others' quirks, getting to meet each others' friends, family etc
Our r/s was never ever real...
He wanted my reassurances and love that I have given him
I wanted his attention and love showered upon me
If you put it another way, it was a fair transaction with no specific person who was wrong
I started making demands on him when I knew he was not available, he started lying to keep up with my demands
Do not misunderstand - I am not taking blame solely for this affair, we were equally at fault

Do I really want to be with him?
I have no idea, he is a wonderful person - I must remember that he is also human
It is not fair for me to expect him to behave as the 'saint' that I envision him to be
The one whom I feel knows everything and the frustration that I feel when he doesn't meet the standard

It is time to let go
I do not need to know the nuts and bolts of what had/is happening
I know it will be lonely without him
I thank you God for bringing him into my life
I have learnt much and I know this will make me a better person for tomorrow

Here's to new beginnings in the new year! :)

Sooooo angry that I can burst!

I am so angry today!
Over a small matter such as the ‘disciplinary action’ comment on work
I guess I'm fed up with him telling me that all his past companies are …. Practices were …. Didn’t know it was …
Made me feel that it was his way of telling me that I was wrong
I lashed out at him just now, refused to have lunch with him and even told him off

Told him that it was a combination of his forcefulness and stubbornness recently

·         Wanting to cancel his dinner and getting frustrated with me when I refused to join him
·         Initiating movie and dinner, n threatened to stay at work when I refused. But backed off when I told him to continue at work
·         Being intimate
·         Wanting to dine in west despite my saying elsewhere
·         His complaints about people and work

We were intimate again yesterday, and he told me that he’ll move out by March

Wtf seriously, how many times can I fall for such stupid crap?

I’m feeling so emo today, feel like bursting into tears

Hate myself so much, for allowing him to treat me like a spare, frd with benefits, someone he can share work about
I feel so tired… I hate it such much!!!

I feel so so so used today, wanting him so much and yet hating him so much too

It’s so painful having to go through this route again and again whilst it is so clear to me that I am never a choice to him
Objectively and logically speaking, I don’t blame him for it is right
But emotionally, I do – for his constant lies to me, just because he is weak doesn’t give him the right to use me in whatever way
I know I am assuming but I hate being the one begging for crumbs while he begs for her forgiveness
Pride? Maybe? Love? Maybe? Ego? Maybe? I don’t know, I cannot differentiate anything when it comes to my emotions
I am so desperate for someone to love me and someone I call my own that I know I bend backwards for him

I know love is not about measuring who gives or receives more

And there is no formula or equation to this
I only ask for the truth, but now – I do not know what are lies vs facts
All because I chose to believe his lies previously, it has made me so insecure and doubt my own decisions now
When can I wake up totally and realize what a selfish bastard he is?
You really think he cares about you? Seriously? No, he cares only about himself

I know I keep measuring and calculating his actions for me, cause this is the only way I can measure or reassure myself of his ‘feelings’ for me

I despise myself for ‘stalking’ the both of them, not trusting him, wanting to believe his words
I feel so desperate
I blocked him on WA becos
I want to stop hoping to receive any text from him

• Stop stalking him
• Wanna ‘show’ him how angry I really am (I know it is childish but he needs to know I m no pushover even if he nvr comes back)

 

Guess what the bastard did? He left office! Come on?! To customer office?

You didn’t even mention this at all and all of a sudden?
I know for sure that you have gone back home! Despite all your bullshit, seriously damn idiot with all your lies!
I very much want to curse you to ‘death’ but one wrong doesn’t deserve another
God, I ask for your help pls, strength to let this unhappiness and negativity go

A drunken mistake

Stupid stupid stupid me, got freaking drunk again yesterday and slept with him
I only had a brief memory about it but nothing more
I couldn’t recall what I said until he told me
What I said was so freaking embarrassing!
Apparently I told him that I loved him with a whole load of rubbish words, declaration
This is the last time I will do this again! I was so crazy & needy!
What the hell was going through my head?!

Definitely a mis-step!

But I also know! It will not happen again!

Backpedal (Part 2)

What I told him after lunch today (Frankly kinda regret cause I sound really bitter… argh! Stupid me!)
1.       Not to use me
2.       Giving me crumbs of his time when he could afford it (texting me only when he could find bits of time)
3.       Friends do not hug – yes, he hugged me again and I hugged him back
4.       My feelings for him are swindling as my hopes in him die
5.       I don’t love someone who doesn’t
6.       I know that we are definitely over and that’s never gotta change
7.       It is a fact that they are together and I am the odd one out

Surprise! Surprise! – He ‘accidently’ texts me “You were right abt my feeling… let’s consider divorce n I move out”

You know something? This is your 2^nd/3^rd time you have done exactly or said something to this extend
But you know the weird thing? Even if it’s true (which I know is not), it’s amazing how come you can still ‘consider’ at this stage

Did I not feel anything when I read that? Eh… do I look dead to you? Of course I did!
And you know what? I hate the power that you have, over such simple words!
I need to gain control back again!

I wonder when I can stop? Stop

·         Looking at my hp’s messenger – wondering if he’s texting me, her or checking my online status
·         Blocking & unblocking her on messenger
·         Checking out her FB account (which she has changed the privacy settings L - I know it’s for the better)
·         Wondering what he is doing with her
·         Wanting to know what lies he told me
·         Second guessing his intentions for doing and saying certain things

My mantra:
I have to let go of what doesn’t belong to me, I have faith God will give me what he has planned for me and I know it will be better!
Let go of the past, bitterness, anger and frustration so that I can be healed J
It will be better for all 3 of us (actually I think it could be just me – that’s still bearing minimal hope, they have already moved on as a couple)

I’m doing the dance again today… chacha front 2 steps and chacha back 2 steps

Started cos I started listening to his work troubles…. The end of my hard work?!
It’s alright, I know I can start over and this time it’ll be easier than before!
I have faith!

*************************************************

Was reading a blog on with a similar topic, decided to ‘steal’ some ideas in hopes that it will make me feel better.

Wanna list down the things that I miss about/doing with him:

·         Looking at his eyes, curly eyelashes, open pores, white & stiff hair
·         Touching his round tummy, tickling his tummy (it's no longer what it used to be)
·         Listening to him share about work, knowledge, hobbies, advise
·         Dinners together – enjoy seeing him pig out
·         Holding of hands in the car
·         Sneaking kisses and lying on his wide & comfortable shoulders
·         His grabbing my leg in shock/fear when watching horror movies and pretending all’s alright after ‘jumping up’
·         Our criticism of strangers clothes, singing etc
·         Our simple joys – SB, jetty, staring into the sky, stars, moon, window shopping for nothing
·         His texts - water drinking, sleep well,
·         Seeing him scratch his fingers (and the left side of his body)
·         His frown (with wrinkles on his forehead and strained eyes)
·         His ahem and nose sniffing
·         His reaching out for the sanitizer when he sneezes
·         His pushing up of his Rayban glasses (which keeps sliding down)
·         His scratching of scalp when his hair gets longer
·         His pulling up of his pants (I noticed it kinda reduced recently)
·         His clumsy acts (closing the door on his leg, knocking head on the car roof etc)
·         His nostril nose peeking out of his nose, his attempt to breathe it out/in to hide it
·         His (repeated) stories about his childhood, parents, army and China experience
·         Looking at his front pocket and wonder why putting his wallet there, doesn’t make him uncomfortable
·         His subtle adjustment of his pants, in the car
·         Seeing his sometimes dirty shirt after his meals
·         His subtle attempts of catching my eye at meetings/town halls
·         His attempts to cushion truths to make them more receivable (sometimes I get lost on what he wants to tell me – my fault, not his)

I miss him so much... :(

Backpedal (again)

He came by my void deck last night, to pass me a zodiac coin after his meeting
Talked about his work for nearly an hour
He seemed really stressed up over work
Seemed more relieved after unloading
He left after giving me a hug and light kiss on the face
After he left, I realized how much I missed hearing him talk about his work, thoughts, insecurity and all
I waited till he was home before going to sleep
I realized how much I have missed him, talking to him, pouring out my thoughts to him, listening to his advice, looking up to him
I basically really missed him
A part of me, wanted to ask him not to let me go
To stay with me,
To be what we used to be or have
To be there with me
But I didn’t… what is the point of saying such when you know it is impossible?

He texted me on his way home if I missed him but I didn’t reply
I think I am backpedalling again…

My period of mourning is over, I do not want a lifetime of mourning

I know my time with him is over, he does not belong to me
A is right to empathize with her, I definitely do not want to be in her shoes of second guessing & wondering all the time
I need and want to let it go
It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to be with me
We don’t even belong together in the first place
My allowing him to treat me like a spare, doesn’t help anyone move forward
I know we will need to move forward else it will not be healthy for either of us

I may think that I am losing someone who is good for me

But I know that God is something better in store for me!
Cause he was never mine
I have faith that the days ahead will be better!

A brighter today =)

You know what?
As much as I want to reply you to your “miss you” message – I am holding back as I don’t think its necessary
I noticed that the more I push you away, the closer you come

I also noticed how manipulative you can be, using the same tactics over and over again:
·         miss you,
·         hard to let go,
·         have urge to do this and that,
·         you are stronger,
·         I try,
·         It’s not as simple as you think,
·         I know I shouldn’t text you,
·         I need to know if I need to let go when I am alone again
·         You are stronger
·         I didn’t make a choice….

As I list these down, I realize how lame the words are and wonder why I fall for them every time.
I am so needy and as she assumed, I must be pretty desperate

From what I know of you – you will definitely leave earlier today

My guess for excuse – to go WDL office, rush to see mum, settle kids or just leave quietly
Perhaps you will tell me that you go WDL jetty to unwind
But I know you are spending time with your SO – which is the right thing
I DO NOT WANT TO SECOND GUESS ANYMORE!
What you do is between the two of you, it doesn’t change anything for me!
Afternote:
I was right, he chose to go WDL for meeting*, lol so expected!
Anyway – I will NOT text him and make reference to what day today is.
It is NONE of my business and I do not want to care or ask etc!

It is alright – I want to let this go!

No more victim and self-pity mentality! I want to be powerful, not pitiful!
I want to forgive myself for what I have done, forgive him for his part in this whole saga, stop questioning or analyzing what/why/when it happened.
It's absolutely and totally pointless - what's happened, has happened!
Trying to analyze this whole things over and over again, will not undo anything and merely make me more frustrated and bitter about the whole thing.
I know God has more in store for me!
I know this rejection from him is so that I have better things ahead!
He is not the better thing, for me.
I kinda empathize him too, feel he is kind of pathetic, having to pacify two females to pay attention to him
I am very sure that he is a extremely nice & lovable person but some things could have been distorted along the way so that things remained status co.
Whether I love him or not, I will never know but I know this is the kind of hb that I want to have
I guess we both lost ourselves along the way... hating him or myself doesn't unchanged that

I slept better yesterday as I decided that I wanted to let go

I need to find other things to preoccupy myself
I do not have to make myself overly busy – just to take my mind off him
My intend is just to remind myself that it is alright to be by myself J
I have faith that the light is at the end of the tunnel!
Psst.. I can already see the glimpse of light already

I know this is the right thing to do

This morning was bad… so bad that I cried otw to work

Y I am affected?

1.       Didn’t bother to send me to work w/o explanation
2.       Neutral on comments abt other guy (I know this has to stop)
3.       No mention of how counseling went (I know it is only fair and right if it progressed. I know its was tru religious counseling cos that’s all is mentioned today during meeting)
4.       No mention of feelings for me (when he only told me he missed me yest morning and went quiet after the counseling)
5.       Told me about his kids missing time with him and he didn’t know (I know it’s guilt kicking in and obvious signs that family is first)

Asking me earlier if I feel for the other guy. Why would you want to know if you don’t care?

1.       Pride & ego (want to feel needed and that I’m still craving to be with him)
2.       Pretend that he still cares
3.       Control (still hv control over me)

I need to keep reminding myself:

1.       The status of their counseling is none of my business
2.       He is just playing psychological games, with the intention to make himself feel good and the words are NOT real!
3.       I should be a bigger person to be happy if they succeed. Life isn’t about making everyone suffer just because you are no longer in the same playing field

During lunch - he shared about their counseling session and from what I gathered from our entire conversation, he will never leave the family.

Staying in for her, his kids, extended family etc. He will never leave cause he doesn’t want to be the person who called it quits. I know she will not either.

He asked me to the room earlier, tried to be funny but I refused.

I took courage to tell them to cut all contact moving forward and he agreed.
It really hurts badly but I know this is for the best.
He can go back to the family, I back to my priorities in life.
Enough of the ding dong and lies…
It’s gg b so hard in the days ahead but I hv faith that I can do this with God’s grace!

A bad day

The incidents since Sunday nights are straining me
She called me more than 10x times on Sunday but I didn’t answer
Saw my text reply to him and she went crazy

I unblocked her to listen to what she had to say to me

Not sure if it was a good idea afterall
Whatever it is, its done
I spent most of my time yesterday trying to pacify, assure and talk to her
I really don’t know why I bother doing so. I swear that I’m not trying to tear them apart else I would have disclosed everything
She claimed talking to me, calmed her but it pains and frustrates me
I am not trying to be a saint or hypocrite, I guess it makes me feel better to reassure her
Just read an article online – maybe I do this in hopes to make him feel guilty
But what is the point?

He told me that he took leave to go lawyer today but she claimed counseling

I approached him on this and he claimed he didn’t lie and said she changed her mind
I don’t know what to believe anymore
I didn’t believe about her suitor, but it turned out real… there are so many doubts between us

I’m feeling extremely down today. Why?

1.       Thoughts of them working on their marriage hurts me (I know I shouldn’t bear hope but its hard)
2.       No texts from him (what do I expect after Sunday’s saga?)
3.       Affected that he was still lying to me (why are you still giving me hopes?)

I text A just now, her words kinda hurt me, she pities her and me but I sense her lack of understanding towards my persistence to him

Hurting but it serves as cold water on me – realization that enough is enough
The moving forward and backwards helps no one
Even if he is telling the truth about their separation, I should not get sucked back in now

I lost myself in this past year with him

It was good and bad memories… but I am still glad to have met him, no regrets for having ever been with him.
And it is overdue that I bring myself out of this
If God meant for me to be by myself, grabbing at straws/crumbs will not help me as I will still end up that way
I just want peace, forgiveness towards him and myself – for doing the wrong to her and ourselves
I want no bitterness in me, I want to let go and embrace new things that are planned for me

I know the recovery will be an uphill journey and I will fall along the way

I want to move on… I do not want to continue on this endless roller coaster

when will this end?

He texted me yest and told me about his cut, which I didn’t believe (he really had a plaster at his ankle which made me feel bad)
He told me that he checked into hotel yesterday
I didn’t ask more…
This morning, passed me tidbits outside my place and asked if my bro was in – he was still trying to go in

Not sure what he flared up over this morning – mix of his qns which I refused to answer and qns I refused to ask
He drove so fast and was giving a frustrated look throughout the way to work. I got fed up and refused to talk to him then

Asked me to the room again and I told him directly that I didn’t believe him abt his separation/hotel

Swore on his children lives that they will separate in the near future
Hugged me and tried to kiss me again but I stopped him
Told him I will not be intimate with someone I’m no longer with
He seemed pretty shocked that I pushed him away and stepped so far away from him..

He told me he bought a ring for me for xmas but threw it away in TW

Eh… duh… wth are you talking abt? Do I look like an idiot to you?
No ring size nothing… what a coincidence hor? Piece of shit

I told him that I thought I fell for him cos I knew him to be kind hearted and genuine but realized later that I didn’t know him afterall

He seemed pissed off by my remark…

Asked him for movie but he claimed he needed to bb sit his child

He left ofc at 2plus claiming that he wanted to distress at SB
But interestingly he sent me a pic of his child in class at 6pm, it obviously was a planned trip hence his early departure..

Sigh… when will the lies end? I told him that I rather he was on holiday and away from ofc

False hope again

I got drunk again yesterday but thank God that my rambling went to J but some garbage still went to him… I barely had any recollection >.<"

We sat in car in the evening and he shared about her comments of me, what he shared with her … oh yes and their attempt at intimacy

He left after claims of his mum (again)… she must have summoned him home. I know it is expected but it doesn’t mean that it will not hurt

In the afternoon – he told me of their intent for a lawyer visit next week

He insisted that he had no intentions with his sharing but do I believe? I really don’t know.. fact – I still bear hopes which I know is ridiculous

He commented something to this extend that if he push hard enough, I will say yes. Kinda piss me off when he said that cos it makes me feel manipulated and its like I'm playing games with him (maybe I was but...)

Why do I keep giving false hopes to myself?

This is IT!

There will be no more silly texts to him - stop embarrassing yourself gal!

I am going to concentrate on my well-being - yes to more exercise! No more binge drinking anymore!

I must learn from history but not live in it! I can do it!

Ups and downs... all becos he's back

It’s been about a week that you have been back

And you’ve blown the peace that I’ve been trying to maintain while you’ve been away

With your claims of waiting at my void deck during NYE, cooking for me, your ‘caring’ text messages, asking about rental places in the west.

I have no idea what is in your mind.

I wrote such a long note but you only focused on my avenue and claim that it’s another guy

I felt no need to correct your misconception.. I know it’s not right of me to mislead you on this.

U accidently texted me yesterday and told me about your mum’s condition turn for the worse..

It took my breath away and I texted you as I was worried for you

I was so disorientated with fear for you… and kept looking at my hp all day..

By accident? I didn’t really believe it, I am sorry.

Although I had doubts about what you said… but I was worried for you.

It is  real… even if we had the most remote chance of being together – we would never have survived it as there is a lack of trust and insecurity

You picked me up today and asked for a hug and ended with more…

I prided myself for not allowing you into my house despite your asking.

I know what you wanted but I can’t.

I cannot understand why you keep holding on to me, it could be wanting to have me as a backup in case she drops you

I know you want to be in control, so do I – to have myself back again and not like an eager puppy waiting for your crumbs

I must remind myself not to make any excuses for you and take things at face value

No excuses or trying to interpret what you mean by saying this/that, doing this/that

No stalking of whether the two of you are chatting, of course you are.. you are a pair

I will not stop you if you want to do more for me… help me find hp shop etc

My mantra :

1.       Dun bother to second guess his motives, intentions – ask and watch him squirm with his lies.

2.       Dun believe his words – he only thinks of himself and no one else!

3.       The best thing I can do for myself, is forgive him, bear no bitterness and move on! Be better to myself!

I can do it!