Now is definitely a downer for me
Was thinking about the past...
Spent 7 years with someone... got married, have a beautiful child but got divorced 5 years after marriage, spent another 7-8 lonely years by myself, putting my all in work and child
Changed job after job in hopes to fill the void in my empty heart, and in this job, I fell for my married boss for he showered me with so much attention which I craved.
I knew I was falling for him but refused to ask for more from him and kept the feelings to myself
Instead he pursued me and told me of his affection for me
We tried to not let it start but failed miserably... and started our affair in Oct 2012
I told myself and him then, that it would only be an affair, nothing more and it didn't turn out as such
We got careless and I got pregnant and he didn't stop me from going through the procedures
I remember the buckets of tears that I cried and my hopes that he will persuade me otherwise
but he didn't...
In this traditional environment, it will not be accepted if I carry on with my pregnancy
My family will kick me out and most importantly, I have to answer (more) questions for an absent father... The guilt that I bear towards my gal is too much for me to bear (absent ex). I cannot bear for more to feel sad over my decision
It is my guilt that I will bear for the rest of my life... I should get punished for what I have done
I cannot recall the number of times that I wanted out of this affair but kept taking one step forward and two steps back into it
After 14 months together, his wife found out on 8 Dec 2013 and he passed his hp to her for her to confront me
He continued to lie to her and claimed that we were not intimate
I told her we were intimate and only said twice after I realized what he had said
She asked if he told me he loved me, did he ask me to marry him... I didn't tell her anything
I cried out aloud when she kept pushing me and asking me questions
Why did I lie? To this day, I really don't know.. To make him guilty? I didn't want to hurt her, the details didn't matter... he hurt me, I didn't feel a need to return the hurt. After all, he told me that he wanted her and the family... he shared with her that he never loved me, I meant nothing, he couldn't do it with me, our intimacy was awkward, I was available, he couldn't break up with me due to guilt, he will resign from the company, he will cut off everything with me... in summary, I was the one sacrificed during this blow up and to say I was devastated is an understatement
He started avoiding me at work, took leave constantly and went on holiday with the whole family...
I remembered my downward spiral to hell, the many lonely nights where I got myself drunk, the self condemnation, guilt, pity and all...it was pure pure hell...
It changed again after he returned, I stupidly asked to be friends, didn't felt a need to avoid and continue making life a living hell... I thought I was so over it already but boy was I wrong!
In a way, it's back to Square 1 - before D-day but with only 20% of the attention
I know I was stupid by thinking I finally understand that it was over
But now... I am still feeling sad and affected over someone who doesn't care much or value me
I waited 7-8 years to be in another 'relationship' and ended up this way...
I would rather be alone for another 7-8 years than go through this
I like to think that I'm not someone bad, I didn't ask for this... it just happened..
I know I was and still am wrong, I have no fucking right to treat his wife like that
If I could turn back time, I rather not have met him...
It's a day full of regrets today...
I don't foresee that tomorrow will be any better
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