Sooooo angry that I can burst!

I am so angry today!
Over a small matter such as the ‘disciplinary action’ comment on work
I guess I'm fed up with him telling me that all his past companies are …. Practices were …. Didn’t know it was …
Made me feel that it was his way of telling me that I was wrong
I lashed out at him just now, refused to have lunch with him and even told him off

Told him that it was a combination of his forcefulness and stubbornness recently

·         Wanting to cancel his dinner and getting frustrated with me when I refused to join him
·         Initiating movie and dinner, n threatened to stay at work when I refused. But backed off when I told him to continue at work
·         Being intimate
·         Wanting to dine in west despite my saying elsewhere
·         His complaints about people and work

We were intimate again yesterday, and he told me that he’ll move out by March

Wtf seriously, how many times can I fall for such stupid crap?

I’m feeling so emo today, feel like bursting into tears

Hate myself so much, for allowing him to treat me like a spare, frd with benefits, someone he can share work about
I feel so tired… I hate it such much!!!

I feel so so so used today, wanting him so much and yet hating him so much too

It’s so painful having to go through this route again and again whilst it is so clear to me that I am never a choice to him
Objectively and logically speaking, I don’t blame him for it is right
But emotionally, I do – for his constant lies to me, just because he is weak doesn’t give him the right to use me in whatever way
I know I am assuming but I hate being the one begging for crumbs while he begs for her forgiveness
Pride? Maybe? Love? Maybe? Ego? Maybe? I don’t know, I cannot differentiate anything when it comes to my emotions
I am so desperate for someone to love me and someone I call my own that I know I bend backwards for him

I know love is not about measuring who gives or receives more

And there is no formula or equation to this
I only ask for the truth, but now – I do not know what are lies vs facts
All because I chose to believe his lies previously, it has made me so insecure and doubt my own decisions now
When can I wake up totally and realize what a selfish bastard he is?
You really think he cares about you? Seriously? No, he cares only about himself

I know I keep measuring and calculating his actions for me, cause this is the only way I can measure or reassure myself of his ‘feelings’ for me

I despise myself for ‘stalking’ the both of them, not trusting him, wanting to believe his words
I feel so desperate
I blocked him on WA becos
I want to stop hoping to receive any text from him

• Stop stalking him
• Wanna ‘show’ him how angry I really am (I know it is childish but he needs to know I m no pushover even if he nvr comes back)

 

Guess what the bastard did? He left office! Come on?! To customer office?

You didn’t even mention this at all and all of a sudden?
I know for sure that you have gone back home! Despite all your bullshit, seriously damn idiot with all your lies!
I very much want to curse you to ‘death’ but one wrong doesn’t deserve another
God, I ask for your help pls, strength to let this unhappiness and negativity go