A bad day

The incidents since Sunday nights are straining me
She called me more than 10x times on Sunday but I didn’t answer
Saw my text reply to him and she went crazy

I unblocked her to listen to what she had to say to me

Not sure if it was a good idea afterall
Whatever it is, its done
I spent most of my time yesterday trying to pacify, assure and talk to her
I really don’t know why I bother doing so. I swear that I’m not trying to tear them apart else I would have disclosed everything
She claimed talking to me, calmed her but it pains and frustrates me
I am not trying to be a saint or hypocrite, I guess it makes me feel better to reassure her
Just read an article online – maybe I do this in hopes to make him feel guilty
But what is the point?

He told me that he took leave to go lawyer today but she claimed counseling

I approached him on this and he claimed he didn’t lie and said she changed her mind
I don’t know what to believe anymore
I didn’t believe about her suitor, but it turned out real… there are so many doubts between us

I’m feeling extremely down today. Why?

1.       Thoughts of them working on their marriage hurts me (I know I shouldn’t bear hope but its hard)
2.       No texts from him (what do I expect after Sunday’s saga?)
3.       Affected that he was still lying to me (why are you still giving me hopes?)

I text A just now, her words kinda hurt me, she pities her and me but I sense her lack of understanding towards my persistence to him

Hurting but it serves as cold water on me – realization that enough is enough
The moving forward and backwards helps no one
Even if he is telling the truth about their separation, I should not get sucked back in now

I lost myself in this past year with him

It was good and bad memories… but I am still glad to have met him, no regrets for having ever been with him.
And it is overdue that I bring myself out of this
If God meant for me to be by myself, grabbing at straws/crumbs will not help me as I will still end up that way
I just want peace, forgiveness towards him and myself – for doing the wrong to her and ourselves
I want no bitterness in me, I want to let go and embrace new things that are planned for me

I know the recovery will be an uphill journey and I will fall along the way

I want to move on… I do not want to continue on this endless roller coaster