Tired

Feeling super confused this week… all triggered mainly because it was my bday and so far, he has not attempted to do anything or given me anything
I have so many thoughts in my mind, so many question marks in my head..

Why I am frustrated with the situation

·         Not enough time with him
·         That I am just an 9-5 Mon to Fri companion
·         His constant lies
·         His constant refusal to do anything about the situation
·         I hate my part in this entire story – where is my integrity, morals?

What I will achieve by being suspicious & my constant harping about the same things

·         Push him further away
·         It’s obvious that he’s losing interest – it will just escalate this

What exactly do I want?

·         Do I love him? Or do I just want his physical self?
·         I need to recognize that he is not a possession
·         If I really love him, I will accept the situation and be there for him when he needs me
·         Like a fellow blogger, I need to let him recognize and come to terms on what he needs to do for himself. Can I ever be as selfless as her? Will I ever be capable of putting his wants/needs above mine?

When can I stop blaming him? Putting my expectations on him? And hoping that he will do more for me?

Even if he is playing with me, it is a fact that the 3 of us are suffering in this affair
Does it matter whether I know what he is trying to do? How will it help me if I try to psychoanalyze the situation?
I may think that this is what he is thinking/why he is doing this but would it make me feel better when it is only a figment of my analysis?

I wonder if I really want to know what he is thinking?  I wonder what I will do if I knew the truth?

Would I be able to end things when I confirm that things are not as bad as he claims?
Can I not feel anger and hurt when I confirm that he is doing more for her and nothing for me?
Will I be able to forgive him and walk away?
Will I not cause a scene and come up with ways to try to keep him with me?
Can I handle the truth? Does the truth really matter? Do I want to know just because I want to be right in my assessment?
Hasn’t his actions already shown me what his mouth didn’t say?
Why can’t I accept the fact that he’s already moved on – away from me and back to her & his family?
Why do I have to be such a sore loser about the whole situation?

I’m so f@cking tired of everything… I do not want to fight anymore

I give up.. I surrender.. I don't want to think anymore
My goal for this long weekend – I will disconnect from the internet and hibernate...