I finally did it

I told him I wanted out and he jumped to the conclusion that it was because I wanted to be with someone else
It’s so hard being in the office, not going to him and telling him that I want to take back my words
It’s so lonely but I absolutely cannot continue to take the easy way out

Reminder to self on why I want or need to be out:

·         I can’t stand the longing anymore
·         I hate the lies and second guessing what he’s thinking/saying
·         I know he is lying to me regardless of what he says
·         I know he will never be ‘with’ me
·         I cannot ask him to leave his family for me, it will be selfish of me although I want him to myself 100%
·         I am tired of keeping words to myself, there are so many words that I want to tell him but I am scared that I will push him away with my words
·         I am not myself when I am with him
·         I am tired of worshipping him
·         I am sick of stalking them on FB/WA
·         I hate undermining my own self-worth for someone who doesn’t value me
·         I hate that this has become a competition
·         I hate it that I’ve become so needy and unsure of myself
·         I hate my lies and not knowing who to confide in with my frds
·         I hate the lack of understanding from anyone

I want to be happy, carefree and focus on myself/my gal again

I’ve put him as my number 1 for the past 15 months and it has brought me nothing but pain
To be fair – it wasn’t nothing, I have been very happy with him
The insecurity and pain started to increase after D-day
I want to stop my mood swings, suspicious nature, angry thoughts

It has reached the state where I care more for him, than he for me

I hate the constant struggle within me…
I want him with me, but I know he deserves to be home with them
I want to hear the truth yet I’m afraid
I want to tell him what I really think but I withhold cos I am afraid

I am so tired and I give up (my heart hurts so much & I’m trying so hard to hold my tears inside)